The Black Table was rooting through our CD collection the other day and came across a Limp Bizkit record we got while drunk in the Buy 3 for $15 aisle. We've been wrong about a lot of things lately, so maybe we were wrong about Fred Durst's music. Or not. We got drunk. We smoked pot. We snorted something or other. And the songs were still tossers. Only one thing can save this band: Science.

1. Observation
Easy -- Limp Bizkit sucks.

2. Question
Is it possible to improve Limp Bizkit's lyrics by simply rearranging the words within the songs? This means no replacements, substitutions or any other kinds of manipulation other than rearranging.

3. Hypothesis
It is probably possible to make Limp Bizkit lyrics better by rearranging them.

4. Experiment
Lyrics from Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff":

Its just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sux
You don't really know why
But want justify
Rippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
It's just one of those days!!

Using science, the song becomes:

Everything sux
You don't know why
Everybody is fucked
just justify

human contact
motherfucker interact
Your life is Rippin'
someone's head off

Your best bet is really
don't wake up
if you want those days
to stay away

But No
on contract
And you just wanna
When It's one of
It's one of those days!!

Let's try the chorus, shall we? In Durst's masterful original, we are given the following source material to work with:

It's all about the he says she says bullshit
I think you better quit
Lettin' shit slip
Or you'll be leavin with a fat lip
It's all about the he says she says bullshit
I think you better quit talkin that shit
(Punk, so come and get it)

With science, the chorus soars. Sort of.

It's all about the shit lip you be bullshit
I think so
Its all about the fat shit Punk slip bullshit
she better quit
I think he says you better Lettin' a she come
quit talkin and get it
Or you'll leavin
with says that
he says says

Not so hot. But when compared side by side with the original, it's not that bad either.

Verse 2! Science marches on!

It's just one of those days
Feelin' like a freight train
First one to complain
Leaves with a blood stain
Damn right I'm a maniac
You better watch your back
Cuz I'm fuckin' up your program
And if your stuck up
You just lucked up
Next in line to get fucked up
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
Its just one of those days!!

Sorry Fred -- that's not gonna cut it. Why not try something like:

Feelin' like a blood stain
with Leaves fuckin' stuck in
You better bet motherfucker
I'm a train maniac

Damn right

watch your freight line
get a fucked up back
if you're Next to complain
Cuz those days is lucked up

I'm your best program
You just back away
stay up your First
And up to one to
Its just one of
Its just one of those days!!!

Analysis:
Although somewhat nonsensical at times, science has improved this song. Particularly of note are the phrases "Your Life is rippin someone's head off" and "shit lip."

5. Conclusion
More research is clearly needed. There are definitely strengths to the rearranged versions, but weak and obtuse lines like "with says that / he says says" may detract from said strengths. Still, preliminary research would seem to indicate that rearranging Limp Bizkit lyrics produces content at least as good as the original material.

Ross Wolinsky is an office-drone and would-be freelance writer in Chicago. He has a zine called Hypocritical Mass, a blog and can totally kick your ass at Marble Madness.