|THE WEEK IN CRAIG!|
|By Lindsay Robertson||
This week: The best of the Week in Craig, and a goodbye from the author. And on with our show...
KEEPING IT CASUAL (A ONE PARAGRAPH PRIMER ON CASUAL ENCOUNTERS)
Ahh, Casual Encounters. It's the last stall of the unisex-bathroom-right-after-last-call of the web. A place where the lonely, the desperate, the horny, the crazy, the bored, and probably a few murderers, can shoot from the id, and the rest of us voyeurs can feel superior and prudish while simultaneously losing our faith in the inherent goodness of the human soul. A place where strangers in the night can exchange puerile electronic glances, where recurring characters are gossiped about, where all the 420 you could ever want is just one blow-job away, where everyone is safe, sane, discreet, hot, hung, and disease-free. Or at least they say they are...
THE NO STRINGS BRIGADE
Even though the point of the Casual Encounters section is that the encounters advertised are casual in nature, many posters feel it necessary to specify the lack of strings attached to their proposed one-night wham-bam sessions.
"Looking For Pussy", for example, wishes prospective purveyors of pussy to know that they need not worry about the potential awkwardness of a post-coital marriage proposal: "...a girl with a tight pussy lookin to be treated like a slut. No strings attached."
"XTC" is similarly generous, and even throws in FREE CONDOMS: "artist- swm -late 30's- handsome...sane and d&d free- toys, lube and condoms. if youre really cool u can fuck me with a strap on... send foto with reply if u want to play- no strings!"
THE "I DON'T USUALLY DO THIS BUT I HAVE A SPECIAL GOOD REASON THAT MAKES IT OKAY" CLUB
What better way to celebrate a career milestone, than by having sex with a stranger?:
"I'm on cloud 9 -- I just sold a screenplay! I need someone to share the love with! I'm 28 y/o and look exactly like a cross between Chris Klein and Rob Lowe (note: not Chad Lowe, who weeps when his wife wins an Oscar and doesn't thank him)... I'll be happy going to a museum, grabbing a cup 'o tea, or just screwing like bunnies..."
Sure, fine...as long as you promise you don't look like Chad Lowe!
Lastly, a little humor at Europeans' expense:
"I'm looking for WOMAN
Hey pal. Try looking for DICTIONARY. Try looking for ENGLISH DICTIONARY!
THREE BLIND ITEMS.
A message signed "Goodbye My Love" started an unfortunately brief trend by lamenting the loss of a now-famous lover, which led to empathetic posts that read like gossip column blind items. Move over Page Six!
"who the hell do you think you are?
RE: Goodbye My Love: "i really feel for you. i was with and have been "used" by a "celebrity" as well. that was a few years ago. but seeing him on TV and hearing his voice on the radio and in clothing stores was terrible..."
Uh oh, this one names names! (almost): "i too have been used by a celebrity who is currently starring in the producers. he spanks me...and makes me suck his big cock (yes, it's really big) ..."
Whoa! I knew it all along, Ferris! (Wait, he's not in that anymore, is he?)
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
Ten Steps To An Affair tempts fatal attraction with some Famous Last Words:
"Handsome, passionate, professional, 30s married guy seeks attractive
woman to help complete this arrangement....
Hey -- what could possibly go wrong?
Size 16 Shoes, and Bad Idea Jeans
Finally, someone asks the question: How does one stop a woman from having
sex? "The horrible answer that I discovered, "YOU MARRIED
HER". So ladies (21 to 45 ) this overwhelmed horny 6'4", ball
player is seeking blonds, redheads, brunettes for missed exotic enjoyments
I have not received in years... SO if you can enjoy a simple guy with
a size 16" shoe. Give me a call, would you?
How does a "simple guy" find himself divorced? By putting his PHONE NUMBER on Craig's List!
Silicon Valley Overcompensates For a Small Economy
Over in San Francisco, It's Bimmer, Not Beemer has an important message: "Get it right. Its a bimmer, not a beemer. If you own a BMW and call it a Beemer, please return the car immediately. You do not deserve to drive such a magnificent vehicle."
Re: beemer not bimmer replied with some choice words, but still wanted to make sure we all know he drives a beemer/bimmer. And makes money. And gets laid. Well: "And you are EXACTLY the kind of guy who's lousy in the sack because all you can think about when you're with a woman is when the last wax job on your ride was...me, I wash the car about once a month, and spend the rest of my time making $ and getting laid...well, too, I might add."
The next reply is gold: "Well take your little expensive sportscar and go eat your wheatgrass you pompous arse. I'll enjoy my crappy little KIA, (pronounced KEEE--YA) "
Have You Ever Pretended Something Embarrassing Happened To Your "Friend?" Has A One Night Stand Ever Stolen Your Wallet?
appened to her: "some jerk stole my friends. he had sex with him too, and it wasnt even good! it was a guy, my friend said his skin was tan ish, and he was pretty well built and conservative like. thats about all ive gotten so far, i know thats very vague. he met him at the monster. sound familiar? let me know. Thanks."
I can't believe he stole the wallet when the sex wasn't even good! Those damn conservatives!
And it wouldn't be Missed Connections if it didn't reflect the national zeitgeist.
Responding to many anti-war posts, RE: War Is Sad and Pointless makes a point that is sad and pointless: "The U.S. dropped TWO goddam nuclear bombs on Japan. TWO. Do they hate us in their despairing hearts? Now their best professional BASEBALL players can't wait to come here to play. For the Yankees. America's most famous team, no less."
So let's make the 2061 World Series a great one for Iraqi Yankee Baseball Players!
Oral Sex Advice Needed has that not-so-fresh feeling, and now so do we. In our heads: "Okay, so this is not necessarily a missed connection, but I know there's someone out there that can help me. I am a clean girl who bathes at frequent, regular intervals, but my boyfriend (who I am CERTAIN is not gay and is PLENTY attracted to me) still doesn't fancy the taste of my crotch .My question is this: is there something girls can drink/eat/slather on to taste better below? (Like the pineapple and wheatgrass thing for guys?)"
SPEAKING OF CATS...
A spelling mistake leads to unintentional hilarity:
"Me: Cat sitting in beautiful SoHo Apartment.
Sometimes, the best posts are the ones you know are probably fake, but that seem to tell a neat little story if you fill in the details with your imagination.
Dancing In the Basement: "Thanks for the sex. You left your scarf. I gave it to my fiancée." Ooh, drama!
HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR TWELVE-SIDED DIE!
Time Traveler: "M: From what has not been said it will seem obvious. I have been away. Deep work in 1846 and lost my way. Finally found the longitude of the nebula. A difficult lesson. Lets meet tonight Pt de Rialto, sh, 25. Dogs no longer bark on the Pt de Academia. Try to bring the long forgotten thin man. Observe the motion."
And, My Precious: "A few thousand years ago...we were hanging out at an underground lake in the mountains. You - my own, my love...petite, golden glow, almost EVIL; sleek and quite overpowering. Me - 4'5", dark, fine hairs, physical atrophy, into loincloths and raw meat/fish. Refreshing diving pool a +. We sings for you about it sometimes. Come back to us."
MY DYING WISH IS A THREESOME WITH TWO BARELY-18 COEDS, AND OTHER LIES.
Before you laugh, keep in mind that the evolution of the human species depended on men with ideas such as these
"Doner" finally finds a way to reconcile his desire for anonymous
sex with his Catholicism. Hopefully any takers don't dream of their child
one day winning spelling bees:
"I was wondering if there were any single women or couples out there that were having trouble conceiving and want a single goodlooking man 38 to farther a child with no strings attached,I mean actually having relations to produce a child.Its more personal than simply being a doner."
The T-shirts and hats may be ubiquitous, but Looking For the Perfect
Breasts is the only true "Official Titty Inspector":
"Okay ladies. I have been around the block many times. I have
seen more breasts than a woman's doctor. I am still looking for the perfect
set of breasts. I am not trying to be demeaning or anything, I just still
haven't found that perfect pair. Fake breasts do not qualify.
Wait just a second, if I don't send a picture I'm not daring and adventurous! I'll show HIM!
HEAVENS TO BETSY! GOOD GRACIOUS! DARN IT TO HECK!
Most Beautiful Clock (Leave Out the "L") speaks in secret tasteful
code: "You have the most perfect clock ever." (leave out
the letter L)
Every "women" he's ever been with said that? H-E- Double Hockeysticks!
Who's Your Dungeon Master?
I'm A Geek, You're a Geek, Let's Have Hot Geek Sex! must have paid someone
to hold his place in line for Episode 3 so he could write this: "Where
are all the hot dorky girls? Yes, this is a re-post, guilty as charged!
Let's do it like Han and Leia, or Aragorn and Arwen.
You think "Crack of Doom" will catch on?For once on Casual
Encounters: an actual original idea!
BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE A REAL DOLL?
"Surely somebody out there has a Real Doll. I have wanted to fuck one of these things for a very long time. If you'd let this very cute 20-something bi-boy fuck your Real Doll, he would be willing to do damn near anything in return. "
"I have wanted to fuck one of these things for a long time" has a funny ring to it. So does the idea of borrowing someone else's blow-up doll. Leave it to Casual Encounters to find something even sadder than having to pay for sex.
We'll Be Showing PG-13 Movies And Drinking O'Douls
Come Visit My Sex Den tries to lure libidinous males into her web of
second-base hedonism: "come play with me - let's be anonymous.
Maybe she should rename it the "Holding Hands Den"
THE ALOHA MEANS HELLO. ALOHA MEANS GOODBYE, DEPT.
And, Finally, this, like every other post of its kind in the last three weeks, was a fake:
"I am, in fact, quitting and not too happy about it. I'd appreciate it if we could get off the subject of ME and move on to more important matters. -- Lindsay"
But, coincidentally, I am passing the Week In Craig torch. I'll keep reading the list, though, of course. (You know, to get guys!)