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  THE EVER GROWING COLLECTION OF ASSORTED LINKS AND FUN THINGS THAT WE FOUND HILARIOUS OR OTHERWISE INTERESTING.  
   
   
 

Nu-Metal bands totally rule. They fucking break stuff when they're pissed, get bad tribal tattoos and write songs about the harsh realities of being a fucking toolbox in a world where everyone is all too willing to laugh. Yeah. Nu-Metal is so cool. We're gonna start a band right now and it's gonna be called Linkin Bizkwik.

We always think of the North American Man/Boy Love Association in terms of man and boy love, but did you know NAMBLA also loves Dave Eggers? It's true. In their eyes, Eggers' Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius is not only that, but also a critique of the rigid age segregation in our society. As they say, Eggers "has the why but not the how" on how to be a parent. Lessons from NAMBLA could totally help him. Right.

The French aren't all bad and they certainly aren't cowardly. In fact, they make some excellent games, like "New York Defender II," which lets you attempt to save New York from another September 11-style attack. Since we failed high school French, click on “Jeux,” then “Instant Chaos” and then “New York Defender” and “New York Defender II" to save the world at work.

Have you ever held a stopwatch and timed how long it takes before your Rice Krispies lose their snap, crackle, and pop? How often do you rate the taste of the milk in your cereal bowl once all of the non-dairy elements have already been lapped up? Well, in case you haven't been paying attention, these guys have.

Remember how mad you were in high school? These kids are even madder, and they know more about Marx than you did. They’s also pretty upset about being in Catholic school, deriding religious education as bollocks! and saying Mass should be replaced with punk rock shows. Not a bad idea about the punk rock shows. Please note how this page was clearly coded with white hot anger.

Want to make a mix tape but you suck at them? Someone on the Internet doesn’t. All they need is a theme like "Songs To Prevent Me From Gouging Out My Eyeballs With A Dull Pencil Due To The Sheer Boredom Of Living In A 1200 Population Town" and a little time and Whoomp! There’s Your Mix Tape! Good if you want to completely freak out anyone you like-like as more than a friend. Once again: Thanks, Interweb!

You missed it! Amy Blair talked about Craiglist on TechTV's "Unscrewed with Martin Sargent. See her early Wednesday at 2:30 a.m. or Saturday at 10 p.m.

Unlike blizzards that drop two feet of snow over a weekend, snow globes are quiet and peaceful, reflecting a calmer and gentler Mother Nature. That is, until you shake the snow globe like crazy, wreaking havoc on the gentle ecosystem inside.

Your developmentally challenged children are riding my tiny Shetland ponies! Your tiny Shetland ponies are carrying my developmentally challenged children! Ah, retards and small horses. Two great tastes that go great together, proven over and over again by "Personal Ponies," one extremely unique non-profit organization.

In the annals of great country western song themes, there are the tried and true chestnuts. My woman left me, my dog died, my truck broke down, the government checks to stop farming cash crops ran out. Now, yokels everywhere can bleat out a new nugget: "Dear Penis, I don't think I like you anymore..."

George W. Bush -- or cute li'l Chimpanzee? It can be kind of hard to tell the difference sometimes. This site explores the controversy and concludes that our dear leader may have been a few chromosomes sort of winning that election in Florida after all.

Hooray for Apes! The Black List is once again accepting submissions via our handy form, which has been fixed by our army of helper monkeys.

You know those times when someone sends you a link to see a film clip and it takes so long to load you close the window? DON'T DO THAT. This link is so amazing that we can't even explain it. And make sure you watch the whole thing. If you got away with looking at Paris from work, this is gonna be cake.

Like happy clouds that have been brought to life to bring the world joy, Betty Chu's English Angora Rabbits were an award-winning example of fluffy perfection. While The Black Table might suggest cornrows to keep the fur from flying too much, Ms. Chu's rabbits sure are impressive.

Things that make you go UNH... or ZOTT, or VRUUM, or UKH. Onomatopoeia fanatics will love this site, where those sound effects used in comic books are lovingly catalogued, studied and probed. Is this *really* necessary? Probably not, but neither is Paris Hilton, and she's been very popular on the Web this week.

"Urethra play."Horrifying, no? Yes, some people -- especially S&M fans -- invest in specialized gear, like long thin metal poles, to stick up and down the urethra. Supposedly, this is a sexual fetish. But after gagging, we feel this is the absolute worst thing to ever happen to pee-pee holes ever.

Leonard Nimoy should eat more salsa. It sounds ridiculous, we know, but if you consider that Spock is pretty awesome and salsa is pretty awesome, then just imagine how awesome Spock would be if he ate more salsa. See? We knew you'd agree. This line of thinking is too powerful to resist. It's a highly logical conclusion.

Cutout bins were never *this* bad. Go here and look at the worst record covers in the history of recorded music. Our current fave: "Joyce." We never knew that the Sears Photo Department was in the music making business. Crap like "Joyce" gives hope to middle aged virgin school librarians everywhere.

If you want to dance on the tables at Soho House, turn to page 3. If you want to snort cocaine in a Times Square bathroom, turn to page 186. If you want to choose your own New York City adventure, click on this link and enjoy yourself.

They may be small, but even midgets want to rock and roll all night and party every day. In celebration of Halloween, we'd like to present Mini Kiss, a tribute band featuring smaller players. Not only are these pictures hilarious, we're also certain it's one of the only Kiss-related gimmicks that Gene Simmons doesn't get a cut of.

Evil is your god now. At this site, you can learn the truth about demons and casting spells. You will understand that old gods were wrong to replace themselves with new gods. And during the Age of Aquarius, the old gods will reassert themselves. Oh, yes. Spritual warfare exists, my friends. And you need to get your shit together and feel the Joy of Satan.

There's nothing wrong with a little low brow humor every once in a while. And that's where Lowbrow.com comes in. This site collects the disgusting musings that you're way too intelligent to laugh at. After all, if you've graduated college, there's no way that poo jokes are still funny. Heh. We said poo.

This probably isn't all that appropriate to look at when you're supposed to be working, but what the hell. When Jewel was at TRL, she got out of control with her rodeo boyfriend in the photo booth. One thing led to another and the next thing you know, some random-looking guy in a Copenhagen chewing tobacco hat is getting to second with an Alaskan folk singer who can yodel.

Confessions. You know, work doesn't seem nearly so bad when you read about how fucked up everyone else is. At this site, wade through thousands of anonymous confessions like "When i'm out in public, i like to make faces at children/flip them off/anything to make them tell their parents. then i act really indignant, and glare at the parents."

Reader see. Reader do. After The Black Table published our how to guide to making pruno, a potent prison wine, reader Dan Rouse writes in to say that his attempt was a "success." That is, if making a wine that tastes like bile can be considered a success.

Sure, that unibrow looks friendly. And well, okay, that yellow skin sure seems harmless. But this classic Web site reminds us all that Bert is Evil. Oscar may be the grouch, but Bert's the only Muppet on Sesame Street who is willing to put his pimp hand down. All the photo evidence yo-u need is here, including Bert's homemade video with Pamela Anderson.

The wit and wisdom of ODB. It's about time that someone collected Russell Jones' greatest quotes in a database, so that the Yogi Berra of hip hop's genius isn't lost into the cultural abyss. Click a button and thrill to nuggets like, "If a pussy had the power to shrink itself...what would you ask it?" and "I want to give a shout out to the Eskimos." Us, too.

Raised by wolves? Wish you were raised by wolves? Looking for something to read? Then Feral Children is your kind of place. Thrill to the "short, tragic" life of Kamala. Ponder the case of "Gazelle Boy" and determine if it's real or a hoax. All the latest wolf children related books are reviewed, so you can be in the know with the latest cases.

Congratulations, Amy Blair! The Village Voice just named her "best website's summary of another website" in this week's "Best of New York" issue.

"Don't tell me what I can do, or I'll have my mustache eat your beard." People who are obsessed with Woody Allen films will recognize that quote from "What's Up Tiger Lily?" but the rest of us can merely appreciate it as a dumb segue introducing this Website. That's right, Wing Fat. It's the World Beard Championships!

When parents name their children, they have an extremely vast universe of choices to sift through. So you have to wonder what was going through Mr. and Mrs. Males head when they named their daughter Gaye. Quite simply the most unintentionally hilarious name ever.

That Wayne Brady is so talented! Man just won another Emmy. He can tap dance. He can beat box. He can tell jokes. He can do impressions. He's just a thrill-a-minute, hard-workin' throwback to the days when entertainers were entertaining. And that's why we play his karate game. To see Wayne Brady get his ass beat. In a talented way, of course.

Ryan and Dave are twins, see. And when they got sick of getting bad tattoos, having too many piercings, they moved on to even worse shit. Dave had his arm amputated and grafted onto Ryan's chest. Later, Dave got his fingers cut apart so Ryan could have a four-jointed, foot-long ring finger. In the end, they've created a three armed twin with 15 fingers and a one armed twin with 4 and a half. Twins like to share, see.

Ahoy, thar reader! T'day be National Talk Like a Pirate Day and we 'ere at Th' Black Table have a fierce fire in'r belly to swig a pint o' th' grog. While we quench arrrr deadly thirst, ye should be headin' to this Internet Website. Arrrr. Go now.

Larry's mother always told him, "Keep on picking that nose of yours and one day you'll poke out your eyeball." Completely dismissive of this advice as an 8-year-old, Larry kept on picking his nose, digging his way through puberty, high school, college and adulthood, until one day his mother's advice proved all too true.

Make your first million. Need a product idea that will bring wealth, riches and fame to you and your associates? Just plug into this random product generator and watch as the genius just falls from the sky. Who *doesn’t* need a shoe-shiner that keeps track of your personal calendar?

As we are all extremely aware, it is the second anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks. Instead of adding more to the extensive heap of coverage, The Black Table would like to direct your attention to the The New Yorker's coverage from 2001.

"I am standing on the fucking moon. Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket. Over." You know, the Onion was right. Now, for the first time ever, exclusive footage of the Apollo moon landing, where Neil Armstrong just can't believe he's on the moon. Who would?

On June 16th, The Black Table asked: "Which rapper is going to die next?" Eighty-nine days later, on September 5th, we got our answer. Sadly, Gerard Fields, better known as D.O. Cannon of Murder, Inc. fame, was fatally shot three times on a Queens street. Something's happening here...

Alien abductions are a problem. Just the other day, we were in the kitchen, sipping a quaalude-and-crystal meth smoothie when this white light hit us and we floated through the ceiling and onto this ship, where aliens led by Cher judged a double dutch tournament between the Golden Girls and the cast of S.W.A.T. It was totally mindblowing.

Slang. Who knows what those kids on the streets are saying these days? Well, apparently Today's Parent does. Unintentionally hilarity always results when a mainstream publication tries to tackle slang and this is no exception. Sick shit here now, ya heard?

Olivia Newton John's one hard-ass chick. These rappers took her seminal soft-rock hit "Magic" and make it into a fly jam for all the players. You'll be dropping boes to this, for sheezy and asking yourself: "Seriously, why *hasn't* anyone stolen this hook yet?"

The only good bunny is a Playboy bunny. After that, well, those little fluffernutters are on their own. Especially with this whacked-out crew roaming the hills with shotguns, looking to take down Bugs or any other critter that gets in their way.

Old "dick arm" never really lived down the fact that he lost his dick after pissing on an electrified fence. That is, until the doctors got involved and grew a huge dong out of his forearm. Now dick arm's got a bigger dick than we do. And that's *really* depressing.

Liquid homelessness. Drinkable gold. Passage to prison. Tasty. No matter what you call malt liquor, this site has more than 260 different varieties to look through. Unemployed alcoholics never had this much variety.

Flipping beermats is like, an Olympic sport, across the pond. Basically, you flip a coaster into the air and try to catch it again while drinking heavily. But for those of you who can't drink at work, the wunnerful BBC has an online Flash version of the pub game.

Saving Private G.I. Joe. With a dab of photoshop and a box of G.I. Joes, this person created a bizarre -- and oddly touching -- tribute to the soldiers who died in World War II. These aren't just toys, people. This is real plastic in real danger.

Two front teeth? What we really want for Christmas is a party midget. You know, the kind of guy who can suck down tequila shots, breakdance like there's no tomorrow and make the bar go wild. Too bad someone else got him first!

Look, Johnny. We know everyone on the block is shooting heroin all weekend, and we don't want you to feel left out. Nothing wrong with a little taste now and then, is there? But we don't want you to get AIDS from a dirty needle, or accidentally rip open the wrong vein. Do we? Go here. Shoot your shit right, little Johnny.

Tired of all those women trying to sleep with you? We feel your pain. Sometimes the throngs of hot chicks wanting to have sex with you can bring you down. That's why this guide to transferring your sex mate into your platonic friend is so vital. Because who likes sex, really?

You can probably guess what they registered for. This is a wedding photo album that O.J. would be proud of. Hey, you were the one complaining that 50 percent of American marriages end in divorce. Here's one that went the distance, til death did they part.

I'm from Fucking! No, seriously. I'm from Fucking. In Austria. Yes, it's a real town. No, I'm not being flip. I really live there! Fine, what's it going to take to prove it to you that I'm really from Fucking? You want a picture of the sign? Fine. Here's a picture of the Fucking sign.

Canada is taking over the world. Sounds ridiculous, right? Beware there, young democrat. This site makes a weirdly compelling case that Canada, peacefully, quietly and politely, is infesting the United States and is making plans for world domination. That doesn't sound too bad, does it?

The best Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Ever. Where, oh where, are you going to jerk off? In your room? (Again.) In the bathroom? (Again.) How about the hallway? Heck, who's up for the cat's litter box? Follow our trusted hero as he repeats the same daily masturbation routine, over and over, just like you.

This little gem of an article puts the fun back into functional alcoholism, with some handy-dandy pointers on how to be the kind of lush that shows up for work on time and no one notices, and none of the readers to your Web site will ever be able to tell you have 10 shots of tequila lined up right over there as you type this.

Tracy Weiss is three years old today. This is a special bonus birthday link about eunichs.

It's hard to tell the kids about the divorce. Or that you're sorry you gave the dog herpes again. That's why this site exists. Preview your favorite short video comment, pick the one that's apropo for the task ("You have to trust me" is usually a big email winner.) and bring the kids down gently.

Stephen Hawking loves the strippers. Apparently, even the world's greatest living scientist can't resist the occasional lap dance. After gagging, The Black Table couldn't help but wonder what it sounds like to hear "Which way to the champagne room?" come out of that voice box?

We celebrated our six-month anniversary on July 12. This was the official itinerary.

 

 

*BT*