bands totally rule. They fucking break stuff when they're pissed,
get bad tribal tattoos and write songs about the harsh realities of being
a fucking toolbox in a world where everyone is all too willing to laugh.
Yeah. Nu-Metal is so cool. We're gonna start a band right now and it's
gonna be called Linkin Bizkwik.
always think of the North American Man/Boy
Love Association in terms of man and boy love, but did you know NAMBLA
also loves Dave Eggers? It's true. In their eyes, Eggers' Heartbreaking
Work of Staggering Genius is not only that, but also a critique of the
rigid age segregation in our society. As they say, Eggers "has the
why but not the how" on how to be a parent. Lessons from NAMBLA could
totally help him. Right.
French aren't all bad and they certainly aren't cowardly. In fact,
they make some excellent games, like "New York Defender II,"
which lets you attempt to save New York from another September 11-style
we failed high school French, click on Jeux, then Instant
Chaos and then New York Defender and New York
Defender II" to save the world at work.
you ever held a stopwatch and
timed how long it takes before your Rice Krispies lose their snap, crackle,
and pop? How often do you rate the taste of the milk in your cereal bowl
once all of the non-dairy elements have already been lapped up? Well,
in case you haven't been paying attention, these guys have.
how mad you were in high school? These kids are even madder, and they
know more about Marx than you did. Theys also pretty upset about
being in Catholic school, deriding religious education as bollocks! and
saying Mass should be replaced with punk rock shows. Not a bad idea about
the punk rock shows. Please note how this page was clearly coded with
white hot anger.
beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere you link. Like
this highly original take on the twelve days of Christmas. Even money
says it's a huge hit when Tommy, Kid Rock and Pamela get the kids gathered
around the tree to recount the last few years of their incredibly strange
and public relationship.
to make a mix tape but you suck at them? Someone on the Internet doesnt.
All they need is a theme like "Songs To Prevent Me From Gouging Out
My Eyeballs With A Dull Pencil Due To The Sheer Boredom Of Living In A
1200 Population Town" and a little time and Whoomp! Theres
Your Mix Tape! Good if you want to completely freak out anyone you like-like
as more than a friend. Once again: Thanks, Interweb!
we were eight years old, we would want the Dazzle Dancers to come
over and do our birthday party. We'd split the video cleaner in the entertainment
center and rub glitter all over the cake. Because, after all, the one
thing that children really need is a dance troupe that spreads a message
of love and sexual freedom.
missed it! Amy Blair talked about Craiglist on TechTV's "Unscrewed
with Martin Sargent. See her early Wednesday at 2:30 a.m. or Saturday
at 10 p.m.
never good when old people use slang, but this fine man at the
Naples Daily News takes things to an alarming new level. With lines
like "Yo, dis here be the fo'-one-one on the show y'all, from the
home boy dat was pimpin' it," the only thing harder than understanding
this piece of crap is trying to figure out why it exists. Set your emails
to flame and fire away at this clown.
blizzards that drop two feet of snow over a weekend, snow globes are
quiet and peaceful, reflecting a calmer and gentler Mother Nature. That
is, until you shake the snow globe like crazy, wreaking havoc on the gentle
Did you see Summer in the Wonder Woman outfit on the OC the other day!
Good. Now that they're gone, we want to show you something we got in the
e-mail today: The OC Flowchart. We're only posting this because we have
no idea who did it and can't find it anywhere else. Goodbye Friday, hello
you always wanted to know about autopsies but
were afraid to ask. Did you know autopsies began in Germany? And that
the doctors have an inspirational sign inside that says "This is
the place where death rejoices to teach those who live" in Latin.
That's some seriously heavy stuff, yo.
Sutra, AOL-style. Maybe
you're in the market for a new AOL icon. Maybe you grew up in a fundamentalist
town that outlawed sexual education. Maybe you need to add some spice
back in the bedroom. Whatever you're looking for, we're sure you can find
know how when you break your watch?
And you go to put a new battery in it, but there's another problem, so
you take it to the store and the salesperson rolls his eyes and says it
would be cheaper to buy a new watch than get it fixed? That's exactly
what's gonna happen to your iPod in a year-and-a-half when the battery
knows that developmentally challenged children aren't anything we
need to fear, but those tiny Shetland ponies? We're not exactly convinced
that a stampede of thundering miniature horses wouldn't be deadly. Luckily,
this site explains everything you need to know about them.
developmentally challenged children are riding my tiny Shetland ponies!
Your tiny Shetland ponies are carrying my developmentally challenged children!
Ah, retards and small horses. Two great tastes that go great together,
proven over and over again by "Personal Ponies," one extremely
unique non-profit organization.
Simms = COOL. Not only is Mr. Simms the dad of Black Table contributor
Molly Simms, he was on a lot of David Bowie records, which is so totally
rad it blows our puny little minds. And so does his brand-spanking new
Website, designed by Dan Meth. Hit up the demo. Mr. Simms was the voice
of the goddamned Kool-Aid Man. How freaking cool is THAT?
the annals of great country western song themes, there are the tried
and true chestnuts. My woman left me, my dog died, my truck broke down,
the government checks to stop farming cash crops ran out. Now, yokels
everywhere can bleat out a new nugget: "Dear Penis, I don't think
I like you anymore..."
W. Bush -- or cute li'l Chimpanzee? It can be kind of hard to tell
the difference sometimes. This site explores the controversy and concludes
that our dear leader may have been a few chromosomes sort of winning that
election in Florida after all.
love David Hasselhoff. Oh, ha! Oh, hahahaha. It's hilarious, no? Well,
the next time you trot out that overworn joke, keep in mind that America's
all too willing to fall in love with random pop stars, too. Just look
at this. Someone named a highway after Babyface.
for Apes! The Black List is once again accepting submissions via our handy
form, which has been fixed by our army of helper monkeys.
know those times when someone sends you a link to see a film clip
and it takes so long to load you close the window? DON'T DO THAT. This
link is so amazing that we can't even explain it. And make sure you watch
the whole thing. If you got away with looking at Paris from work, this
is gonna be cake.
art. Who knows, if Leonardo DaVinci had feminine hygeine products
to play with, then perhaps the art world would be this obsessed with cotton
and string. And for good reason. You can't look at pieces like "Auntie
Flo," "Miss Tampon USA" and "Spot, the Tampon Kitty"
and say it ain't fine art.
happy clouds that have been brought to life to bring the world joy,
Betty Chu's English Angora Rabbits were an award-winning example of fluffy
perfection. While The Black Table might suggest cornrows to keep the fur
from flying too much, Ms. Chu's rabbits sure are impressive.
Boomp... Another one bites the dust. The Black Table sends our congratulations
and best wishes to one of our favorite and funniest writers, Lynn Harris.
Buy her a gravy boat here.
that make you go UNH... or ZOTT, or VRUUM, or UKH. Onomatopoeia fanatics
will love this site, where those sound effects used in comic books are
lovingly catalogued, studied and probed. Is this *really* necessary? Probably
not, but neither is Paris Hilton, and she's been very popular on the Web
your job so dull that you sing songs all day? Watch only I Love
The 80s Strikes Back in your off time? Time to put that stuff
to good use. Hum along and annoy your neighbor while you try to fill in
the blanks to this interminable quiz. Or wait till your nerdy friend finishes
it and sings all the answers to you.
to do list: Pluck that nose hair. play with some fish. Do some typing.
And visit this incredibly surreal Website, where you can do all of those
things by clicking on random words and phrases. This one could suck up
a few hours of your day and even more if you try to figure out what it
play."Horrifying, no? Yes, some people -- especially S&M
fans -- invest in specialized gear, like long thin metal poles, to stick
up and down the urethra. Supposedly, this is a sexual fetish. But after
gagging, we feel this is the absolute worst thing to ever happen to pee-pee
Nimoy should eat more salsa. It sounds ridiculous, we know, but if
you consider that Spock is pretty awesome and salsa is pretty awesome,
then just imagine how awesome Spock would be if he ate more salsa. See?
We knew you'd agree. This line of thinking is too powerful to resist.
It's a highly logical conclusion.
like big butts and I cannot lie. Forget those uber-impressive Nerve
personals where some cute girl named inkyslinky namechecks Freud and ironically
tweaks the Spice Girls. We want girls with trunk. We need girls with back.
We have to have badonkadonk-level booty.
bins were never *this* bad. Go here and look at the worst record covers
in the history of recorded music. Our current fave: "Joyce."
We never knew that the Sears Photo Department was in the music making
business. Crap like "Joyce" gives hope to middle aged virgin
school librarians everywhere.
Dingell is rad. He's Rep. from the 15th
District of Michigan. And he sent CBS this dis over the Reagan miniseries,
reminding them to include $640 Pentagon toilet seats, using ketchup as
a vegetable in school lunches, and financing an illegal war in Nicaragua.
Why aren't all politicians this sharp?
you want to dance on the tables at Soho
House, turn to page 3. If you want to snort cocaine in a Times Square
bathroom, turn to page 186. If you want to choose your own New
York City adventure, click on this link and enjoy yourself.
the end of the world as we know it. The
other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide. Mount St. Edelite.
Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Breshnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs. Birthday
party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You symbiotic, patriotic, slam, but
neck, right? Right. Oh, yes. And this rad ass flash animation which you
may be small, but even midgets want to rock and roll all night and
party every day. In celebration of Halloween, we'd like to present Mini
Kiss, a tribute band featuring smaller players. Not only are these pictures
hilarious, we're also certain it's one of the only Kiss-related gimmicks
that Gene Simmons doesn't get a cut of.
doesn't love balloons? This person loves them a whole lot, at this
site devoted to balloon fetishes. "I like to pop 11-inch round balloons
by laying on them or sitting on them," says the site, "But not
with pins or by stepping on them. Oddly enough, popping balloons also
scares me." How conflicted. How very odd.
is your god now. At this site, you can learn the truth about demons
and casting spells. You will understand that old gods were wrong to replace
themselves with new gods. And during the Age of Aquarius, the old gods
will reassert themselves. Oh, yes. Spritual warfare exists, my friends.
And you need to get your shit together and feel the Joy of Satan.
anything different? No? The Black Table has officially ended its experiment
in online advertising, having learned a very important lesson: Everyone
still hates pop up ads. In celebration of learning lessons the hard way,
we have collected all of Orbitz's pop-up game ads in one place, so you
can play them all day long. Oh, the irony...
nothing wrong with a little low brow humor every once in a while.
And that's where Lowbrow.com comes in. This site collects the disgusting
musings that you're way too intelligent to laugh at. After all, if you've
graduated college, there's no way that poo jokes are still funny. Heh.
We said poo.
the Boeing. Did an airplane *really* hit the Pentagon on Sept. 11?
This site uses pictures and a heavily sarcastic tone to prove that maybe
it wasn't a plane crash that caused all that damage. So, what was it?
The Black Table isn't ready to put forth our theory, but let's just say
that Liza Minelli was spotted in the area with a water bottle filled with
probably isn't all that appropriate to look at when you're supposed
to be working, but what the hell. When Jewel was at TRL, she got out of
control with her rodeo boyfriend in the photo booth. One thing led to
another and the next thing you know, some random-looking guy in a Copenhagen
chewing tobacco hat is getting to second with an Alaskan folk singer who
Girls! Girls! Who doesn't love girls? We sure love us some girls.
That's why we implore you to order Black Table contributor Claire Zulkey's
new book, called Girls! Girls! Girls! published on So New Media.
You know, work doesn't seem nearly so bad when you read about how
fucked up everyone else is. At this site, wade through thousands of anonymous
confessions like "When i'm out in public, i like to make faces at
children/flip them off/anything to make them tell their parents. then
i act really indignant, and glare at the parents."
At Denny's Beer Barrel Pub, they serve a six-pound burger that contains
two tomatoes, a half-head of lettuce, peppers, onions, ketchup, mustard
and mayo. All told, this burger weighs in at a whopping nine pounds and
no one's EVER finished it. Ah, gluttony is so amusing.
see. Reader do. After The Black Table published our how to guide to
making pruno, a potent prison wine, reader Dan Rouse writes in to say
that his attempt was a "success." That is, if making a wine
that tastes like bile can be considered a success.
that unibrow looks friendly. And well, okay, that yellow skin sure
seems harmless. But this classic Web site reminds us all that Bert is
Evil. Oscar may be the grouch, but Bert's the only Muppet on Sesame Street
who is willing to put his pimp hand down. All the photo evidence yo-u
need is here, including Bert's homemade video with Pamela Anderson.
do you get when you cross obsessively dorky Star Wars fans with obsessively
dorky Mac users? Why, you get this obsessively dorky knock-off Mac ad
in which a young Anakin Skywalker tries to convince you to switch to the
Dark Side and become a Sith Lord.
wit and wisdom of ODB. It's about time that someone collected Russell
Jones' greatest quotes in a database, so that the Yogi Berra of hip hop's
genius isn't lost into the cultural abyss. Click a button and thrill to
nuggets like, "If a pussy had the power to shrink itself...what would
you ask it?" and "I want to give a shout out to the Eskimos."
seems like it's on a different planet than Earth, doesn't it? While
we Americans debate stem cell research and genetically engineered foodstuffs,
people in the cradle of civilization still believe in witchcraft and the
power of black magic. Like this man, from Gambia, who was beaten to death
by a village who suspected him of stealing penises.
by wolves? Wish you were raised by wolves? Looking for something to
read? Then Feral Children is your kind of place. Thrill to the
"short, tragic" life of Kamala. Ponder the case of "Gazelle
Boy" and determine if it's real or a hoax. All the latest wolf children
related books are reviewed, so you can be in the know with the latest
a state whose governor can't even say its name correctly, California
really has its shit together on the election returns front. You can see
how each and every one of the 13,000 candidates for office did, including
Gary Coleman, who finished eighth, with 12,549 votes. All told, the 130-odd
no-namers and hangers-on managed to rack up 487,433 votes, good enough
for 6% of the vote.
Amy Blair! The Village Voice just named her "best website's summary
of another website" in this week's "Best of New York" issue.
a rush! Enter the extreme world of extreme pumpkin carving, where
outlaw Halloween heads do perverse and horrid things to innocent gourds.
Like make 'em look like they're puking. Or drowning them in a bag on the
front porch to show would-be Eggers you mean business.
tell me what I can do, or I'll have my mustache eat your beard."
People who are obsessed with Woody Allen films will recognize that quote
from "What's Up Tiger Lily?" but the rest of us can merely appreciate
it as a dumb segue introducing this Website. That's right, Wing
Fat. It's the World Beard Championships!
loves women. Everyone knows that. But Arnold also loves children too.
This picture makes that point disturbingly clear. After hearing about
the Gold's Gym gangbang in that Oui interview, Arnie's roaming hands in
the L.A. Times and seeing this, well, you gotta admit that Uncle Schwartzenegger
is a creepy ass future governor.
parents name their children, they have an extremely vast universe
of choices to sift through. So you have to wonder what was going through
Mr. and Mrs. Males head when they named their daughter Gaye. Quite simply
the most unintentionally hilarious name ever.
last time Lauren Hill was at Roscoe's Fried Chicken and Waffles, the
waitress overheard her talking all kinds of crazy shit about white people,
like how Spike Lee's director of photography was "fronting his white
a$$ on Spike's joint anyway." And her bodyguard was all, "Damn
girl." But she didn't care and she kept doing it. You'd know this
kind of vital information, too, if you went to this site every day.
Wayne Brady is so talented! Man just won another Emmy. He can tap
dance. He can beat box. He can tell jokes. He can do impressions. He's
just a thrill-a-minute, hard-workin' throwback to the days when entertainers
were entertaining. And that's why we play his karate game. To see Wayne
Brady get his ass beat. In a talented way, of course.
my finger. No, seriously. C'mon. Just pull it. FART! Heh. Okay, no
seriously. I won't do it this... FART! Got you again! Okay. Just nudge
my finger this time. No. No. No. I'm all farted out. I won't be able to
fart even if I wanted to. You gotta trust me. I can't now. So, just give
my finger a little... FART! Again! Got you again! Some things just never,
ever, ever get old. Like this Website.
Bangladesh, monkeys and puppies can be friends. In fact, they're such
good friends that monkeys adopt puppies as pets, resulting in the kinds
of photos that would leave a Hallmark Greeting Card executive grasping
for the nearest box of Kleenex. In the spirit of continued positive interspecies
relations amongst the world's puppies and monkeys, we present this.
and Dave are twins, see. And when they got sick of getting bad tattoos,
having too many piercings, they moved on to even worse shit. Dave had
his arm amputated and grafted onto Ryan's chest. Later, Dave got his fingers
cut apart so Ryan could have a four-jointed, foot-long ring finger. In
the end, they've created a three armed twin with 15 fingers and a one
armed twin with 4 and a half. Twins like to share, see.
is impossible to learn. For starters, all the words are really pictures
and none of the pictures really tell you how to say anything unless, of
course, you know the words. Which you don't, because you're learning.
But with this Japanese to English transalation lesson, about a dad who
beats his kids, you can get a jump start on your education. Banzai!
secret life of retarded kids finally exposed in the Tard Blog. Read
all about Joe, who somehow got access to a pair of scissors and Kunte,
who likes to sleep in the bathroom. Thrill to dozens and dozens of Tard
Episodes, including the deadly Tard Crusher.
thar reader! T'day be National Talk Like a Pirate Day and we 'ere
at Th' Black Table have a fierce fire in'r belly to swig a pint o' th'
grog. While we quench arrrr deadly thirst, ye should be headin' to this
Internet Website. Arrrr. Go now.
when you're triple parked in the E.R. driveway, in front of a fire
hydrant with the hospital on fire, the police like to give out tickets.
Then, when you don't learn your lesson, they give out more tickets. And
when you don't pay those tickets, you get a boot put on your 1974 AMC
Pacer. Thanks to Angle Grinder Man, who cut off the boot, we can continue
ignoring the law.
mother always told him, "Keep on picking that nose of yours and
one day you'll poke out your eyeball." Completely dismissive of this
advice as an 8-year-old, Larry kept on picking his nose, digging his way
through puberty, high school, college and adulthood, until one day his
mother's advice proved all too true.
not gonna lie to you. If youre the type of person who get his
rocks off by using little computer patches to make all the players in
your online Sims or Jedi Knight games look naked, The Black Table highly
recommends you put down the controller and calmly walk towards the nearest
bar to try and talk to a real, live, breathing girl.
your first million. Need a product idea that will bring wealth, riches
and fame to you and your associates? Just plug into this random product
generator and watch as the genius just falls from the sky. Who *doesnt*
need a shoe-shiner that keeps track of your personal calendar?
crossed the streams! Flak Magazine makes the jump from Web to print,
with its ever paper edition. Big ups to J-No.
we are all extremely aware, it is the second anniversary of the World
Trade Center attacks. Instead of adding more to the extensive heap of
coverage, The Black Table would like to direct your attention to the The
New Yorker's coverage from 2001.
the hit of your next party. Hang out for a while. Make chit chat.
Then fling yourself down a flight of stairs to the sheer terror of those
around you. Learn how to do it and not die with this handy guide.
am standing on the fucking moon. Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket.
Over." You know, the Onion was right. Now, for the first time ever,
exclusive footage of the Apollo moon landing, where Neil Armstrong just
can't believe he's on the moon. Who would?
June 16th, The Black Table asked: "Which rapper is going to die
next?" Eighty-nine days later, on September 5th, we got our answer.
Sadly, Gerard Fields, better known as D.O. Cannon of Murder, Inc. fame,
was fatally shot three times on a Queens street. Something's happening
the world of serving people, no one, and we mean no one, is forced
to wear the kinds of ridiculous crap that airlines force flight attendants
to wear. And like some kind of in-flight Epcot Center, this person has
extensively catalogued and collected all of the uniforms, both past and
abductions are a problem. Just the other day, we were in the kitchen,
sipping a quaalude-and-crystal meth smoothie when this white light hit
us and we floated through the ceiling and onto this ship, where aliens
led by Cher judged a double dutch tournament between the Golden Girls
and the cast of S.W.A.T. It was totally mindblowing.
would 8-Ball do? Chances are, 8-Ball, who is serving three life sentences
in a maximum security prison, will cave in your skull with whatever's
handy. But in the off chance that he's not doing that, then he offers
up other advice as well.
Who knows what those kids on the streets are saying these days? Well,
apparently Today's Parent does. Unintentionally hilarity always results
when a mainstream publication tries to tackle slang and this is no exception.
Sick shit here now, ya heard?
Newton John's one hard-ass chick. These rappers took her seminal soft-rock
hit "Magic" and make it into a fly jam for all the players.
You'll be dropping boes to this, for sheezy and asking yourself: "Seriously,
why *hasn't* anyone stolen this hook yet?"
Celebrities bitch about it. Editors get defensive about it. And the rest
of us? We're totally oblivious. We never see models up close. We have
no idea what they looked like first. Well now, the curtain's been ripped
back and you can see for yourself: Even the thinnest, most beautiful people
on Earth get an assload of help.
the 1970s, the world of porn was so seedy, it made Al Goldstein look
like a real player. Go back and wade through the dark days of porn, when
rape, violence and depravity was the norm. This passage explains it all:
"See a foot-and-a-half long Sesame Street "Bert" doll (complete
with leather collar) fly out of a man's ass!" Yep.
only good bunny is a Playboy bunny. After that, well, those little
fluffernutters are on their own. Especially with this whacked-out crew
roaming the hills with shotguns, looking to take down Bugs or any other
critter that gets in their way.
"dick arm" never really lived down the fact that he lost
his dick after pissing on an electrified fence. That is, until the doctors
got involved and grew a huge dong out of his forearm. Now dick arm's got
a bigger dick than we do. And that's *really* depressing.
Internet is shit. Don't be fooled by The Black Table's attempt to
use the Web to entertain, inform and enlighten. The Internet is shit.
Take it from this Website, which spells out exactly why in great detail.
homelessness. Drinkable gold. Passage to prison. Tasty. No matter
what you call malt liquor, this site has more than 260 different varieties
to look through. Unemployed alcoholics never had this much variety.
beermats is like, an Olympic sport, across the pond. Basically, you
flip a coaster into the air and try to catch it again while drinking heavily.
But for those of you who can't drink at work, the wunnerful BBC has an
online Flash version of the pub game.
Fuck mullets. Combovers are the hippest hairdos around. Peruse this
wonderful archive of oldsters with the sideways sweeps, and remember:
Bald ain't so beautiful when you have 12 perfectly good strands of hair
left on top.
Private G.I. Joe. With a dab of photoshop and a box of G.I. Joes,
this person created a bizarre -- and oddly touching -- tribute to the
soldiers who died in World War II. These aren't just toys, people. This
is real plastic in real danger.
Sounds like some kind of fancy nautical term, but it's not. It's actually
a Britishism for when someone -- oh like the Queen of Mugging Britney
Spears -- is caught gooning it up in a candid, so the rest of the world
can point and laugh. Point and laugh, kids. Point and laugh.
front teeth? What we really want for Christmas is a party midget.
You know, the kind of guy who can suck down tequila shots, breakdance
like there's no tomorrow and make the bar go wild. Too bad someone else
got him first!
out. We've been playing with this all day. Now it's your turn. You
can now make your own band, and your own songs, with your own people,
and just doodle doodle doodle all day long. Careful of this link; your
workday just vanished. Poof!
Johnny. We know everyone on the block is shooting heroin all weekend,
and we don't want you to feel left out. Nothing wrong with a little taste
now and then, is there? But we don't want you to get AIDS from a dirty
needle, or accidentally rip open the wrong vein. Do we? Go here. Shoot
your shit right, little Johnny.
not to act at a rock show. "Dancing is ok, as long as you don't
get all fruity. Air-instruments are NOT ok. That includes: air-guitar,
air-drums, air-microphone, air-keyboards, and yes even the air-bass. Don't
get me started on air-saxophone." And: "Don't take off your
shirt. We know you're sweaty, dude, taking off your wife beater isn't
going to stop that."
Gillin is four years old today. And boy does his tuchus smell!
of all those women trying to sleep with you? We feel your pain. Sometimes
the throngs of hot chicks wanting to have sex with you can bring you down.
That's why this guide to transferring your sex mate into your platonic
friend is so vital. Because who likes sex, really?
say the darndest things, don't they? The Black Table's finally pulled
together a special archive of the ol' naughty-naughty.
can probably guess what they registered for. This is a wedding photo
album that O.J. would be proud of. Hey, you were the one complaining that
50 percent of American marriages end in divorce. Here's one that went
the distance, til death did they part.
error is not an error! You have gone to the wrong Web page, and you
deserve to be punished, you filthy, dirty, pathetic little worm. You like
that error? Heres another. And another. Call TECH SUPPORT. They
ain't comin'! Ha ha ha ha. Error! You scum.
from Fucking! No, seriously. I'm from Fucking. In Austria. Yes, it's
a real town. No, I'm not being flip. I really live there! Fine, what's
it going to take to prove it to you that I'm really from Fucking? You
want a picture of the sign? Fine. Here's a picture of the Fucking sign.
wimp! Here's why girls laugh at you. Oh, you're such a nice guy. You're
so sensitive, so caring. Well, not only are you a pussy,
but you look exactly like a big, limp dick to any girl in your orbit.
This site is full of girls telling you why, you spineless bitch.
is taking over the world. Sounds ridiculous, right? Beware there,
young democrat. This site makes a weirdly compelling case that Canada,
peacefully, quietly and politely, is infesting the United States and is
making plans for world domination. That doesn't sound too bad, does it?
best Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Ever. Where, oh where, are you going
to jerk off? In your room? (Again.) In the bathroom? (Again.) How about
the hallway? Heck, who's up for the cat's litter box? Follow our trusted
hero as he repeats the same daily masturbation routine, over and over,
just like you.
this we like. Some chick named Alison got tired of everyone
just trying to get in her pants all the time, so she just put a camera
down there. Now you can find out exactly what is going on in Alison's
pants, 24 hours a day. You can even chat about it!
little gem of an article puts the fun back into functional alcoholism,
with some handy-dandy pointers on how to be the kind of lush that shows
up for work on time and no one notices, and none of the readers to your
Web site will ever be able to tell you have 10 shots of tequila lined
up right over there as you type this.
called "House Gymnastics." Essentially, a couple of nerd
bloggers got together and invented a weird "sport" that combines
yoga, synchronized swimming and wearing a leotard while hanging from a
staircase. Highlights include the "carpet crab," the "staircase
handstand" and, our favorite, the "elevated dog stretch."
excrement! Thinking fondly of that extreme anal
closeup as your favorite movie character dropped a big one? Us too! Remind
yourself of all the great cinematic crap scenes with this comprehensive
index. Our favorite: Kevin Bacon sneaking a dung drop in the Amazon in
"The Air Up There."
Weiss is three years old today. This is a special bonus birthday link
you're not a racist for $1,500. This
site allows you to rent yourself a real, live black person. You can take
her anywhere! Turn heads at the country club, bring her home to Mom and
Dad, heck, even use her to convince your friends that you're down.
Remember, the Emancipation Proclamation says you can't own. It
never says rent.
hard to tell the kids about the divorce. Or that you're sorry you
gave the dog herpes again. That's why this site exists. Preview your favorite
short video comment, pick the one that's apropo for the task ("You
have to trust me" is usually a big email winner.) and bring the kids
really. And thank you for coming to the party. It was special.
Hawking loves the strippers. Apparently, even the world's greatest
living scientist can't resist the occasional lap dance. After gagging,
The Black Table couldn't help but wonder what it sounds like to hear "Which
way to the champagne room?" come out of that voice box?
our six-month anniversary on July 12. This was the official itinerary.
See Even More Links!