inside of your lower lip. Tattooing. Some things were just made for
each other, you know? But since it's really hard to see if someone's got
ink on the inside of their lip, we're really glad someone put together
this massive collection of lip tats.
Presents! As a Happy birthday to BT writers Amy Blair (now 79 years
young!) and Theresa O'Rourke, this is a special *extra* link. It's very
happy at this link. And fun. Click on a keyword and root around. Doesn't
matter. Anything you find will be hilarious, but we seriously doubt you'll
see another random-ass dude whose *this* motherfucking gleeful.
stunts your growth. Well, okay, so it doesn't. But this bizarro pro-Christian
anti-porn site has the best PSA we've ever seen in our lives, featuring
a midget named Eddie whose diminutive stature is due (presumably) to the
fact he owns too much spank material. Those fundamentalist Christians
Prime is back! Remember that National Guardsman who shipped out to
Iraq after changing his name to the Transformers character? Well, he's
back, only to discover a family member has died and the house he wanted
to move into burned down, leaving his four kids homeless. Insert your
own punchline here.
THAT'S how it works! What you've been waiting for: A FAQ on the ins
and outs of repeatedly jamming scissors into your crotch. Highlights:
DO make sure your scissors are polished and shiny; DON'T twist the scissors
around while they're implanted in your crotch. Pay attention, people.
faens rompeslikker! Ever wonder how to tell people to fuck off in
every language? This site will tell you how to call your ex-girlfriend
a "fitte" in any dialect you can think of, including Swahili,
which we didn't even realize was a real language. Oh, and "din faens
rompeslikker" means "you damn asslicker" in Norwegian.
So you know.
Brad. Brad is the hero of your own online
Choose Your Own Adventure. Watch, as Brad lusts after dream girl Katie.
Marvel, as Brad accidentally swallows the anus of a next door neighbor.
Revel, as Brad challenges his friend to a duel and ends up watching his
niece take a bath. This site rules.
you a pedophile? Hey, who hasn't wondered? (Wait
haven't wondered? Um
yeah, us neither.) You can finally found out
with this quick quiz. If you're constantly inviting neighbor children
over to watch Powder, for example, you're very likely to be a pedophile.
So you know.
Honkies! Get busy it's your birthday! Revisit this Internet Classic,
an interactive cornucopia of White Man's Overbite, click and watch as
a so-pale-he's-opaque dude illustrates the Ride the Pony, Smack That Ass
and the infamous Elaine Benes dance. The sad part is, this guy's probably
having more sex than you are.
to Arkansas. Tired of fuzzy dice? Get the hot new accessory that's
the best thing for truckers since ephedrine. It's TruckNutz, which allows
you to have testicles hanging from your rearview mirror. If you're more
of a Harley man, check out Biker Ballz. But no, no, this isn't homoerotic
6th Birthday, Molly Simms! We hope it's totally radical!
a vacation destination? Do you really want to go to Hell? If this
criteria is right, the Black Table is headed due south. Fast. But so is
everyone else, so we'll see you there. Don't miss the toe-tapping "Citizens
in Hell" ditty and, if you're not convinced, "researchers"
have "recorded screams coming from Hell."
Still upset that no one trusts you to
wear a necktie or hold a butter knife? Is the Prozac they're injecting
into your veins leaving you incapable of doing anything without slobbering
on yourself? Click here. It is soothing
are so, like, factual. Forget the tedious, boring world of what's
real and indulge your sweet tooth for innuendo, mean-spirited lies and
other unconfirmed gossip about people you've never heard about at this
site, which boasts "hundreds of rumors and counting." Who knew
that Jesse Lee Elliott of Kansas is in love with Alex Wickstrom?
Mommies take note. This site offers dolls at various levels of gestation
to help parents replace the babies they lost through miscarriage, abortion
or stillbirth. They ranged from nine-weeks gestation to 36 weeks. I mean,
it's gonna take you a while to shake this link off. You're going to want
to wash out your BRAIN.
KNEW it! Was "Life Goes On" Fascist propaganda? Check out
this rather convincing argument that Nazis and retards -- we're sorry
mongoloids -- are a little too similar for comfort. Highlight:
"Nazis like all things Teutonic. Retards like to toot."
be entirely honest with you, we haven't the foggiest idea of what
this is. Is it a Japanese beer advertisement? Is it a site in worship
of space dogs? Is it here to frighten us? Or will it save us? Will it
make us pure? Questions, questions, question
not an answer to be
I was growing up, I used to think that Michael Landon was actually
a religious figure in the Catholic Church. Part of it was the TV, but
part of it was the fact that everyone over the age of 70 acted like the
man was a saint. Anyway, some freak painted a really good picture of Michael
Landon holding a squid in a lake, entitled "Anguish," and it
totally rules your life forever.
religious science fair! Think all that evolutionary bunk flies in
the face of Jesus Christ the Almighty? Well, the Fellowship Baptist Creation
Science Fair is for you. Marvel at Sally Reister's project, "God
Made Kitty." Wonder at the award-winning expose from fifth-grader
Cassidy Turnbull, entitled "My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A
are tow truck drivers way into? WRECKS! You don't have to be a AAA
member to appreciate Wreck of the Month, though. Sometimes the tow truck
driver will submit commentary. Sometimes there's just pictures of twisted
metal. Wreck of the Month hopes that "all will learn from other mishaps
and experiences and become safer drivers of the vehicles we operate."
Nah. People just like looking at fucked-up cars.
shit in North Carolina. How much pig shit is in North Carolina this
exact second? Someone took the time to learn Java just so the rest of
us could consider this information. (Check the Poop Counter on the bottom
right.) We can give you a hint, though: Number 1 + Number 2 = 19 million
tons a year. Pork: The other white shit.
don't be such a cliché! Making your writing horrible
just got a lot easier. Also helpful for editors who suspect their writers
use clichés all the time but aren't quite sure. Better than "being
nibbled to death by ducks," even though we never heard of that one
and are a little frightened of it, to be honest.
world can now be told. Thanks to Richie,
"a hideous government plot involving countless pet chameleons"
is now exposed. And we thought the government was bad for doing things
like, say, invading a foreign country on a pretense that has proven completely
false under closer inspection. Silly us.
daddies. The Black Table was studying for our fetish exam when we
found this clothing store for adult babies. Why fake it when you can have
someone make it? If you find some suspiciously large onesies in your Dad's
closet, you know where he got them.
the Japanese! While lazy Americans simply throw Groucho glasses on
their pets to get their chuckle on, our Japanese friends take cat costuming
to a whole new level. For
just 32 American bucks, not including tax, you can dress your cat like
a frog, or chicken, or schoolgirl.
Busey: The Man, the Teeth, the Way of Life. Finally, someone answered
our prayers and unleashed BuseyWorld.com on an unsuspecting populous.
Quoth son, Jake, on Big Poppa: "He's a lot different than I am. He's
always telling stories about monkeys and toads and rockets. I can never
understand what he's talking about." Amen, Jake. Amen.
knowing is half the battle!
Or maybe it's problem? This guy dubs old G.I. Joe cartoons with him and
his friends' voices, and, well, he and his friends are weird, and, honestly,
they kind of freak us out. They're funny, though, in a rub-up-against-Grandma
type of way.
this is a fun game. Can
you tell if someone is having sex or not by looking at their face? Give
it a shot with this interactive "Who's Humpin'" quiz. Play this
three or four times in a row at work if you want, but then we'll have
a definitive answer -- You, clearly, have NOT been humpin' lately.
Damn. You missed the Black Tables
Amy Blair on Mr. Greg Live, a public access TV show in Manhattan.
She talked about crapping in a pie pan.
feeling evil? It's
habit forming. But being this bad never felt so good. Okay, it's just
better when Corky from "Life Goes On" tells us on AOL that "You've
Got Mail" or "Goodbye." It's just better when AOL is this
way. Trust us. Check the Sound Wavs section.
too. Kick back and discover the brief history of bad taste with the very
special, very wonderful Stephen Hawking Vocalizer 1200. Who hasn't wanted
to hear Hawking complain about not getting enough porn?
loves the Weather Channel. He's
loved it since the sixth grade and here's his own little personal Web
site, complete with sound files of all that shnazzy Weather Channel music.
(Click on "unknown songs." Our fave? "Pogo" by Sadao
Watanabe, of course.)
in Junior High, when
like, everyone had those crazy-ass Bar Mitzvahs and every other week,
you got all dressed up like it was the pre-teen Oscars and took home goodie
bags and watched Michael Jackson impersonators work the party? Yeah. That
we salute you! In
the spirit of the mighty Black Table Beer Run, we present to you the absolute
finest in bum wines. Life on the rails never tasted so smooth.
to "The Guide to having good Indie Rock Hair or Hair Style!"
the "NUMBER ONE RULE OF INDIE ROCK GIRL HAIR IS TO BE SHORT HAIR!,"
and The Strokes "all have a little bit of different hair cuts, but
all of the hair cuts ARE COOL!" Just so you know.
your foreskin in the divorce? Have
no fear, getting it back is simple, so long as you have tape, an "O-ring,"
or some stainless steel ball bearings. Follow these step-by-step directions
to live your foreskin dreams.
found this so damned funny that making up a joke wasn't necessary.
the other day, we're
playing with our Punk Rock Lego playset, trying to come up with an accurate
depiction of Max's Kansas City circa 1977 and we realized we didn't have
a Sid Vicious Lego Man. Luckily, we found it and it's only $25.
you're a female virgin, under
the age of 27, who doesn't like to hold hands, kiss or have sex, or wear
deodorant, perfumes, bikinis, earrings, don't have any body piercings
or tattoos... Then this is your man.
The Black Table prints what it likes." Read why the Web's not dead
in the (U.K.) Guardian Online.
my name is Paul and I'd like to be your pal!" If
you're in the NYC Metro area, for $20 Paul will come over and be your
pal, via his site, called Rent-A-Pal. Why doesn't he splurge for another
vowel and just call it Rent-A-Paul? We have now lost our minds.
hail me, the god of lightning! Sure,
this little game is a bit on the pointless side, but then again, so is
your job. And we don't think your job involves hitting cows with lightning
and making blood fly out of innocent people and crap. This is fun.
the music from Deliverance!
On eBay, someone just spent $15,000 to snap up Saddam Hussein's personal
banjo, which he autographed. This brings up some important questions,
like "Saddam Hussein's personal banjo?!" and "Why
did he sign it?" (Click now, before eBay takes it down.)
But sometimes, just to screw with our own heads, we'll think about how
much money you'd need to save if you lived as long as the people on this
list. Like, once you've been retired for 50 years, don't you get sick
of walking around the mall?
These guys gave you
Abba and Ace of Base. These
decades-old folk acts from Sweden, with their matching outfits and schoolteacher-esque
physiques, look like the kind of guys who can really pump up the jam.
The men of Garvis are our faves -- for now.
if Time Out New York were
written by a spaz? Perhaps that's what this site is all about. (We're
not doctors.) In any event, kudos to this fine site, where the use of
Photoshop is so subtle, you might miss the joke.
likes us, they really like us! The
Black Table was named a "pick of the day" for Friday, April
25, proving that once the boot kicks the marble down the shoot, it will,
in fact, hit the lever that allows the mouse to get the cheese.
freaking years! We
just realized Salon launched a long time ago. A lot has changed since
then, right? It's like a freaking time warp back to the day when Starbucks
was a Seattle thing.
launched today! We got our crap together and made an archive page for
Meth, our weekly comic.
know in the Beach Boys songs,
where they have that weird-ass spooky "Oooooh ooooh ooooooh"
noise? Well, if you download the desktop theremin you can see what made
Brian Wilson stay indoors for a decade.
inability to tap a keg, a
keen interest in facial products and a great dislike of chicken wings.
An ability to sew, a need for fitted slacks and a hatred of organized
sporting events. One man asks: Do these things make me gay?
any gourmand can tell
you, using liberal amounts of herbs can be the difference between edible
and fantastic. But at this site, this guy's use of herb makes your dishes
mind-blowingly good. Attention potheads, this means you.
your own super hero can
be a time-consuming, all-day affair that can take hours and hours and
hours. Which is probably exactly what you should be doing at work right
now. Trust us.
may be gone,
but we'll never forget Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the Iraqi Information
Minister, who was the kind of guy who would deny that he was breathing,
if it served his propaganda purposes.
to Drive Fast on Drugs While
Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink," by P.J.
O'Rourke. Need we say any more? This is absolutely fantastic.
that story you
read a while back about that guy who did that thing? The guy with that
sister, remember? And she did that thing, too? No? Well, dont worry
if you can't remember. Find Articles does.
11th Birthday, Claire Zulkey!
now that America is
eyeing Syria, you might as well finally get around to learning more about
the countries in the region. Looks like we're gonna be there for a couple
was a little weird. Okay,
Grandpa was a lot weird, always hanging around in the backyard, humming
"Mandy" and showing the neighbors his balls through his latex
needs a new pair
of chaps! Christina Aguilera is fat. No seriously, this is a real photo
of her. She looks like a big pink billboard. She looks like she ate Britney.
need to get our hair done,
and we've got our eye on Diamonddiana's "Basketweave Peacock"
in "Sugar n' Spice n' Ice." It's got that sizzle that Champaygne's
"Biscuits n' Gravy" was lacking.
you took the cream from
a whole pack of Oreos and put it into a tube, how much cream would there
be? These guys are taking shit to a whole new level. Be warned: You will
get nothing done today at work.
can't stop thinking about
ninjas. This is because those guys are cool. The
purpose of a ninja is to flip out and kill people and cut off their heads
all the time. Just take it from Robert.
nothing quite like other people's stories. This is the kind of site
that you'll probably lose about nine hours of work slowly reading your
way through. Good times.
than the Society for Creative Anachronism. Okay, nothings dorkier
than SCA, but competitive Rock, Paper, Scissors is a really close second.
If only they did it in period costume.
get enough up-to-the-minute
war news? Dig through all the unsubstantiated crap, bullshit rumors and
constant updates from around the war at this self-styled "command
post." Another news junkie must-see.
America, no one cheers when
our soldiers are killed or lost. But across the world, TV coverage is
a wee bit different. See what the entire world sees at the Mother of All
War Websites. A must-see for TV news junkies.
a pee-pee god!
Pissing your time away at work? Well, now you can do that, literally,
and rack up the points with this neat little time-waster of a game. If
you like darts and urine, you'll love this.
years ago, the City of Detroit gave Saddam Hussein the key to the city.
No, really. I suppose it could have been worse. They could have given
him chemical and biological weapons capabilities.
Smith, better known as
"Cat Man" or the "freaky dude who thinks he's a tiger,"
is ready to plunk down $100,000 to get fur implants. Finally, someone
so fucked up he makes Michael Jackson look average.
is just something dumb that
came in the mail, or as we're calling it: "GET PATRIOTIC PEOPLE!
HERE ARE LAME ASS IRAQI JOKES TO FORWARD PEOPLE."
glad you called us to
talk about masterbation!" Uh. We're kinda glad we called the New
York State Health people, too. Looks like we were using the wrong setting
on the vacuum cleaner.
my future girlfriend,
please do not dump me after I like you." Our sentiments exactly,
kid. Dating is real tough in junior high.
White Stallions, too. Last
Tuesday, when you were totally shitfaced and stumbling around New York
City, those really WERE elephants walking out of the Queens-Midtown tunnel.
than meets the eye!
Optimus Prime is protecting America now, after a national
guardsmen legally changed his name to a Transformer hero before shipping
just want to see a film where some dude ends up underwater. Luckily, someone
has made a list of every film where that happens. Why this exists is a
totally different issue.
handy-dandy simulator will show you everything that will go down when
we start fighting Gulf War 2: Electric Boogaloo.
drop and roll? Those
fine people who brought you the terror alert system strike again with
a new list of bewildering icons that panicky people can use in a time
addition to massive belt buckles, Texas
is really good at feeding death row inmates before they get juiced. This
is what they fed 'em.
so like, this is the inside of some
dude's mouth and you can, like, live his life as if you were a little
dude stuck in the back of his throat. We love the Web.
a terminally ill patient really going to bother memorizing something
that says, Sorry I cheated on you? or Dont worry,
Im taking care of Shannon the terrier now?
parking spots. For anyone whose ever been stuck without a spot, this
is oddly fascinating in a Kids in the Hall, "I will crush
your head" kind of way.
have many friends and never get laid? Everthing will change once you
can solve three sides of a Rubik's Cube puzzle in under 17 seconds.
join Crunch! The NYC based gym and it's
"cardio striptease" ain't got nothing on these old ladies who
dance with their cats. Go Snuffles, it's your birthday!
who know math pretty well won't be impressed
with the Flash Mind Reader, but we're not that smart. What black magic
voodoo makes it work? We want to know.
the Chicken didn't have a head
and he ran around without one for years. Maybe this explains the Bush
Administration's foreign policy as of late.
Ashcroft sings! Ol'
Crofty would get three-and-a-quarter stars on Star Search for this number.
(And seriously, the song makes you want to pee too, are we right?)
I touched today! A day in the life of a man and his beloved
door handles. Luckily, this "researcher" does not suffer from
Johnny Cash broke? Because we can't
for the life of us figure out why he would sing this song in German.
(Yes, that's really him.)
caps. Shit kickers. Swingin' your partner.
This is a video of tractors square dancing. This is where baby tractors
is actually pretty funny. The guy spent from October 2000 to Feb. 2001
building it and then it was accidentally destroyed by my friend
in April 2001. How prescient.
a flowing mane and helps blind people cross the street? Not Vince Neil
on probation, silly. A seeing eye horse!
the past 16 years, this albino woman has kept a scrapbook of her adventures,
all devoted to Johnny Number Five, of Short Circuit fame. Yes,
Black Table's own Greg Lindsay got a mention on Page Six in Sunday's New
York Post. We hung it on our fridge, you can see it here.
call France! On the Internet, we have found the proof America is looking
for to prove, once and for all, that Iraq is violating international law.
fans rejoice! The dude with dreads and the earnest guy are taken,
but if you like or can remember one of the other three: Look sexy. Don't
act like a fan.
Lego Men are bad Lego Men. That's the lesson we learned after visiting
this Website when we were bored.
dorks! This is a Map of the Entire Freaking Universe. It's all so
mind-blowingly big, man.
toys come in all shapes and sizes, to meet a wide array of demands.
But a Jesus dildo? What the fuck is that? And who would want to use it?
so there's like this Japanese guy, right. And he has this Web site
where he tells you the time by drawing it on scraps of paper. Oh, hell
you can't even explain it in words.
the thousands and thousands of Amazon users who review things, "I
am Jazz Metal's Daddy" takes the cake.
Red! Code Red! Who ordered the code red! Was it you, Lt. Weinberg?!
America's terrorist warning system exposed and explained!
a total stoner thought, but we really have invented a whole lot of
crap in the last 111 years.
are these people in the shower? Oh yeah. That's us. Read more about
the "Soapy Dick Pill" at LostBrain.com.
random crap, odd pictures and other people's doodles? Lost art finds
a home at the Royal Journal.
she can have your dick in her even when you're not at home with personalized
dildos made from a mold of your man meat.
farts really *are* deadly and everything else you ever wanted to know
that you know *so* much about farts, head over here and try to make
gay? Who has a big dick? Who hates who? A comprehensive list of celebrities
and rumors about them.
coloring book time! All the coloring book pages you'd ever want, all
ready for crayon magic and totally free!
in the Hell? Meet the masthead of the Black Table in this exclusive
interview at Zulkey.com.
read more about our very own Johan More there, too..)
saved the "hot chat sessions" she was having with the "Pakistanis,
lesbians, child molesters and other monsters." And then she out them
to write songs that would make Alanis Morrisette jealous? Now you
can with the Alanis Morrisette Random Lyric Generator.
FEBRUARY 20, 2003. WE SAY GOODBYE TO ALL CAPS
AND UNDERLINE. "GOODBYE ALL CAPS! GOODBYE UNDERLINE!
NOT SO ORIGINAL AFTER ALL! INTRODUCING THE BLACKER BLACK TABLE, WITH MORE
BOOTIES, MORE MOTORCYCLES AND FEWER HONKIES.
YOU'D PREFER TO NAME YOUR OWN PRICE, YOU CAN ALWAYS BUY YOUR BEATING ON
SMOKING CIGARETTES? LOVE USING YOUR COMPUTER? NOW THERE'S A AUTOMOBILE
CIGARETTE LIGHTER ADAPTER FOR YOUR COMPUTER. ONLY $19.
WE THOUGHT SO. GO HERE AND SEE EXACTLY WHERE YOU FIT IN WITH ALL THE OTHER
DICK TOUCHERS AND ASS PETTERS.
CHICKS DON'T EAT MEAT, INSTEAD THEY PERPETUATE THE FEMALE BODY IMAGE PROBLEM
BY WEARING NOTHING BUT LETTUCE.
YOU CAN CALL YOUR BOSS "LORD O' DONUTS" TO HIS FACE AND GET
AWAY WITH IT. VISIT THE WORK NICKNAME GENERATOR.
DAVID HASSELHOFF MUSIC VIDEO FOR HIS TIMELESS COVER OF "HOOKED ON
A FEELING," WHICH WILL MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE HOOKED ON BARBITUATES.
WORTHLESS? DON'T FEEL THAT WAY. ACCORDING TO THIS CALCULATOR, WE'RE WORTH
YOU'RE IN THE WOODS. YOU'RE ALL ALONE. WAIT. NO YOU'RE NOT. IT'S TIME
TO PLAY "KILL OR BE RAPED."
EVER HAVE TROUBLE KEEPING THOSE PESKY SIDEBURNS LOOKING NEAT AND TRIM?
KISS THOSE PROBLEMS GOODBYE.
FRODO FAGGINS? LORDS OF THE RING JOB? READ ALL ABOUT THE GAY LIVES OF
FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, THIS MAN WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND BEAT YOUR
ASS FOR JUST $25. BARGAIN!
RUSSIAN ROULETTE WITH A WHITE, NO-EYED GIMP WHILE LISTENING TO APHEX TWIN.
LOT OF PICTURES OF WOMEN IN SWIMSUITS WHO ARE HUGGING CATFISH. YOUR GUESS
IS AS GOOD AS OURS.
RATHER INTERESTING ADVERTISEMENTS THAT RAN IN EBONY BACK IN 1972.
HAVE A GOOD CHROME JOB --AND A HALF-NAKED GAL IN FRONT OF THE BIKE. A
LOOK AT MOTORCYCLE ADS.
I'D LIKE TO SEE VIDEO OF A NAKED MAN BEING SHOCKED WITH A TASER WHILE
HE'S CHEST-DEEP IN WATER!
STUFFED DEAD ANIMALS REALLY ARTWORK? YEAH, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT.
SCIENTISTS FORCE INNOCENT SPIDERS INTO TAKING DRUGS AND SPINNING WEBS
FOR THEIR AMUSEMENT.
SHIZZLE YOUR OWN NIZZLE ON THA RIZZLE WITH THE SHIZZOLATOR,
SNOOP DOGG'S GREATEST GIFT TO MANKIND.