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  THE EVER GROWING COLLECTION OF ASSORTED LINKS AND FUN THINGS THAT WE FOUND HILARIOUS OR OTHERWISE INTERESTING.  
   
   
 

Optimus Prime is back! Remember that National Guardsman who shipped out to Iraq after changing his name to the Transformers character? Well, he's back, only to discover a family member has died and the house he wanted to move into burned down, leaving his four kids homeless. Insert your own punchline here.

So THAT'S how it works! What you've been waiting for: A FAQ on the ins and outs of repeatedly jamming scissors into your crotch. Highlights: DO make sure your scissors are polished and shiny; DON'T twist the scissors around while they're implanted in your crotch. Pay attention, people.

Meet Brad. Brad is the hero of your own online Choose Your Own Adventure. Watch, as Brad lusts after dream girl Katie. Marvel, as Brad accidentally swallows the anus of a next door neighbor. Revel, as Brad challenges his friend to a duel and ends up watching his niece take a bath. This site rules.

Are you a pedophile? Hey, who hasn't wondered? (Wait … you haven't wondered? Um … yeah, us neither.) You can finally found out with this quick quiz. If you're constantly inviting neighbor children over to watch Powder, for example, you're very likely to be a pedophile. So you know.

Welcome to Arkansas. Tired of fuzzy dice? Get the hot new accessory that's the best thing for truckers since ephedrine. It's TruckNutz, which allows you to have testicles hanging from your rearview mirror. If you're more of a Harley man, check out Biker Ballz. But no, no, this isn't homoerotic AT ALL.

Happy 6th Birthday, Molly Simms! We hope it's totally radical!

Colors … pretty colors … Still upset that no one trusts you to wear a necktie or hold a butter knife? Is the Prozac they're injecting into your veins leaving you incapable of doing anything without slobbering on yourself? Click here. It is soothing … so soothing.

Facts are so, like, factual. Forget the tedious, boring world of what's real and indulge your sweet tooth for innuendo, mean-spirited lies and other unconfirmed gossip about people you've never heard about at this site, which boasts "hundreds of rumors and counting." Who knew that Jesse Lee Elliott of Kansas is in love with Alex Wickstrom?

To be entirely honest with you, we haven't the foggiest idea of what this is. Is it a Japanese beer advertisement? Is it a site in worship of space dogs? Is it here to frighten us? Or will it save us? Will it make us pure? Questions, questions, question … not an answer to be found.

A religious science fair! Think all that evolutionary bunk flies in the face of Jesus Christ the Almighty? Well, the Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair is for you. Marvel at Sally Reister's project, "God Made Kitty." Wonder at the award-winning expose from fifth-grader Cassidy Turnbull, entitled "My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)."

Pig shit in North Carolina. How much pig shit is in North Carolina this exact second? Someone took the time to learn Java just so the rest of us could consider this information. (Check the Poop Counter on the bottom right.) We can give you a hint, though: Number 1 + Number 2 = 19 million tons a year. Pork: The other white shit.

Diaper daddies. The Black Table was studying for our fetish exam when we found this clothing store for adult babies. Why fake it when you can have someone make it? If you find some suspiciously large onesies in your Dad's closet, you know where he got them.

Gary Busey: The Man, the Teeth, the Way of Life. Finally, someone answered our prayers and unleashed BuseyWorld.com on an unsuspecting populous. Quoth son, Jake, on Big Poppa: "He's a lot different than I am. He's always telling stories about monkeys and toads and rockets. I can never understand what he's talking about." Amen, Jake. Amen.

Now this is a fun game. Can you tell if someone is having sex or not by looking at their face? Give it a shot with this interactive "Who's Humpin'" quiz. Play this three or four times in a row at work if you want, but then we'll have a definitive answer -- You, clearly, have NOT been humpin' lately.

Still feeling evil? It's habit forming. But being this bad never felt so good. Okay, it's just better when Corky from "Life Goes On" tells us on AOL that "You've Got Mail" or "Goodbye." It's just better when AOL is this way. Trust us. Check the Sound Wavs section.

Feeling evil? Us too. Kick back and discover the brief history of bad taste with the very special, very wonderful Stephen Hawking Vocalizer 1200. Who hasn't wanted to hear Hawking complain about not getting enough porn?

Remember in Junior High, when like, everyone had those crazy-ass Bar Mitzvahs and every other week, you got all dressed up like it was the pre-teen Oscars and took home goodie bags and watched Michael Jackson impersonators work the party? Yeah. That was rad.

Attention, Hipsters! According to "The Guide to having good Indie Rock Hair or Hair Style!" the "NUMBER ONE RULE OF INDIE ROCK GIRL HAIR IS TO BE SHORT HAIR!," and The Strokes "all have a little bit of different hair cuts, but all of the hair cuts ARE COOL!" Just so you know.

Lose your foreskin in the divorce? Have no fear, getting it back is simple, so long as you have tape, an "O-ring," or some stainless steel ball bearings. Follow these step-by-step directions to live your foreskin dreams.

We found this so damned funny that making up a joke wasn't necessary.

If you're a female virgin, under the age of 27, who doesn't like to hold hands, kiss or have sex, or wear deodorant, perfumes, bikinis, earrings, don't have any body piercings or tattoos... Then this is your man.

"And The Black Table prints what it likes." Read why the Web's not dead in the (U.K.) Guardian Online.

Cue the music from Deliverance! On eBay, someone just spent $15,000 to snap up Saddam Hussein's personal banjo, which he autographed. This brings up some important questions, like "Saddam Hussein's personal banjo?!" and "Why did he sign it?" (Click now, before eBay takes it down.)

Remember: These guys gave you Abba and Ace of Base. These decades-old folk acts from Sweden, with their matching outfits and schoolteacher-esque physiques, look like the kind of guys who can really pump up the jam. The men of Garvis are our faves -- for now.

Yahoo! likes us, they really like us! The Black Table was named a "pick of the day" for Friday, April 25, proving that once the boot kicks the marble down the shoot, it will, in fact, hit the lever that allows the mouse to get the cheese.

Seven freaking years! We just realized Salon launched a long time ago. A lot has changed since then, right? It's like a freaking time warp back to the day when Starbucks was a Seattle thing.

You know in the Beach Boys songs, where they have that weird-ass spooky "Oooooh ooooh ooooooh" noise? Well, if you download the desktop theremin you can see what made Brian Wilson stay indoors for a decade.

As any gourmand can tell you, using liberal amounts of herbs can be the difference between edible and fantastic. But at this site, this guy's use of herb makes your dishes mind-blowingly good. Attention potheads, this means you.

Making your own super hero can be a time-consuming, all-day affair that can take hours and hours and hours. Which is probably exactly what you should be doing at work right now. Trust us.

"How to Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink," by P.J. O'Rourke. Need we say any more? This is absolutely fantastic.

Remember that story you read a while back about that guy who did that thing? The guy with that sister, remember? And she did that thing, too? No? Well, don’t worry if you can't remember. Find Articles does.

Welp, now that America is eyeing Syria, you might as well finally get around to learning more about the countries in the region. Looks like we're gonna be there for a couple decades.

Grandpa was a little weird. Okay, Grandpa was a lot weird, always hanging around in the backyard, humming "Mandy" and showing the neighbors his balls through his latex bodysuit.

Someone needs a new pair of chaps! Christina Aguilera is fat. No seriously, this is a real photo of her. She looks like a big pink billboard. She looks like she ate Britney.

If you took the cream from a whole pack of Oreos and put it into a tube, how much cream would there be? These guys are taking shit to a whole new level. Be warned: You will get nothing done today at work.

Robert can't stop thinking about ninjas. This is because those guys are cool. The purpose of a ninja is to flip out and kill people and cut off their heads all the time. Just take it from Robert.

There's nothing quite like other people's stories. This is the kind of site that you'll probably lose about nine hours of work slowly reading your way through. Good times.

Finally, something dorkier than the Society for Creative Anachronism. Okay, nothing’s dorkier than SCA, but competitive Rock, Paper, Scissors is a really close second. If only they did it in period costume.

In America, no one cheers when our soldiers are killed or lost. But across the world, TV coverage is a wee bit different. See what the entire world sees at the Mother of All War Websites. A must-see for TV news junkies.

Be a pee-pee god! Pissing your time away at work? Well, now you can do that, literally, and rack up the points with this neat little time-waster of a game. If you like darts and urine, you'll love this.

Dennis Smith, better known as "Cat Man" or the "freaky dude who thinks he's a tiger," is ready to plunk down $100,000 to get fur implants. Finally, someone so fucked up he makes Michael Jackson look average.

"We're glad you called us to talk about masterbation!" Uh. We're kinda glad we called the New York State Health people, too. Looks like we were using the wrong setting on the vacuum cleaner.

"Hello, my future girlfriend, please do not dump me after I like you." Our sentiments exactly, kid. Dating is real tough in junior high.

And White Stallions, too. Last Tuesday, when you were totally shitfaced and stumbling around New York City, those really WERE elephants walking out of the Queens-Midtown tunnel.

Sometimes, you just want to see a film where some dude ends up underwater. Luckily, someone has made a list of every film where that happens. Why this exists is a totally different issue.

Forget CNN, this handy-dandy simulator will show you everything that will go down when we start fighting Gulf War 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Stop, drop and roll? Those fine people who brought you the terror alert system strike again with a new list of bewildering icons that panicky people can use in a time of crisis.

In addition to massive belt buckles, Texas is really good at feeding death row inmates before they get juiced. This is what they fed 'em.

Okay, so like, this is the inside of some dude's mouth and you can, like, live his life as if you were a little dude stuck in the back of his throat. We love the Web.

Is a terminally ill patient really going to bother memorizing something that says, “Sorry I cheated on you?” or “Don’t worry, I’m taking care of Shannon the terrier now?”

Miniature parking spots. For anyone whose ever been stuck without a spot, this is oddly fascinating in a Kids in the Hall, "I will crush your head" kind of way.

Don't have many friends and never get laid? Everthing will change once you can solve three sides of a Rubik's Cube puzzle in under 17 seconds.

Don't join Crunch! The NYC based gym and it's "cardio striptease" ain't got nothing on these old ladies who dance with their cats. Go Snuffles, it's your birthday!

People who know math pretty well won't be impressed with the Flash Mind Reader, but we're not that smart. What black magic voodoo makes it work? We want to know.

Mike the Chicken didn't have a head and he ran around without one for years. Maybe this explains the Bush Administration's foreign policy as of late.

John Ashcroft sings! Ol' Crofty would get three-and-a-quarter stars on Star Search for this number. (And seriously, the song makes you want to pee too, are we right?)

Doors I touched today! A day in the life of a man and his beloved door handles. Luckily, this "researcher" does not suffer from OCD.

Mesh caps. Shit kickers. Swingin' your partner. This is a video of tractors square dancing. This is where baby tractors come from.

The WTC one is actually pretty funny. The guy spent from October 2000 to Feb. 2001 building it and then it was “accidentally destroyed by my friend in April 2001.” How prescient.

What has hoofs, a flowing mane and helps blind people cross the street? Not Vince Neil on probation, silly. A seeing eye horse!

Meet Virginia. For the past 16 years, this albino woman has kept a scrapbook of her adventures, all devoted to Johnny Number Five, of Short Circuit fame. Yes, really.

Hey Mom! The Black Table's own Greg Lindsay got a mention on Page Six in Sunday's New York Post. We hung it on our fridge, you can see it here.

O-Town fans rejoice! The dude with dreads and the earnest guy are taken, but if you like or can remember one of the other three: Look sexy. Don't act like a fan.

Bored Lego Men are bad Lego Men. That's the lesson we learned after visiting this Website when we were bored.

Sex toys come in all shapes and sizes, to meet a wide array of demands. But a Jesus dildo? What the fuck is that? And who would want to use it?

Of the thousands and thousands of Amazon users who review things, "I am Jazz Metal's Daddy" takes the cake.

It's a total stoner thought, but we really have invented a whole lot of crap in the last 111 years.

Who are these people in the shower? Oh yeah. That's us. Read more about the "Soapy Dick Pill" at LostBrain.com.

Like random crap, odd pictures and other people's doodles? Lost art finds a home at the Royal Journal.

Silent farts really *are* deadly and everything else you ever wanted to know about farts.

It's coloring book time! All the coloring book pages you'd ever want, all ready for crayon magic and totally free!

(And read more about our very own Johan More there, too..)

17-year-old Amber
saved the "hot chat sessions" she was having with the "Pakistanis, lesbians, child molesters and other monsters." And then she out them here.

Want to write songs that would make Alanis Morrisette jealous? Now you can with the Alanis Morrisette Random Lyric Generator.

IF YOU'D PREFER TO NAME YOUR OWN PRICE, YOU CAN ALWAYS BUY YOUR BEATING ON EBAY.

PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE WITH A WHITE, NO-EYED GIMP WHILE LISTENING TO APHEX TWIN.

A LOT OF PICTURES OF WOMEN IN SWIMSUITS WHO ARE HUGGING CATFISH. YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS OURS.

SOME RATHER INTERESTING ADVERTISEMENTS THAT RAN IN EBONY BACK IN 1972.

WE HAVE A GOOD CHROME JOB --AND A HALF-NAKED GAL IN FRONT OF THE BIKE. A LOOK AT MOTORCYCLE ADS.

YES, I'D LIKE TO SEE VIDEO OF A NAKED MAN BEING SHOCKED WITH A TASER WHILE HE'S CHEST-DEEP IN WATER!

ARE STUFFED DEAD ANIMALS REALLY ARTWORK? YEAH, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT.

MEAN SCIENTISTS FORCE INNOCENT SPIDERS INTO TAKING DRUGS AND SPINNING WEBS FOR THEIR AMUSEMENT.

SHIZZLE YOUR OWN NIZZLE ON THA RIZZLE WITH THE SHIZZOLATOR, SNOOP DOGG'S GREATEST GIFT TO MANKIND.

 

*BT*