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  A SPADE IS A SPADE: HOW TO MAKE A TRUCKER CAP OUT OF GARBAGE.  
   
   
  Just then, Red jumped up from his alcoholic slumber and began screaming "I am a Vietnam War Veteran, you motherfucker! And you can suck my fucking Puerto Rican dick! Don't you look at me!"

Because of the exploding mesh-cap fashion trend, Red's preferred style of baseball hat had become very profitable in the first-tier homeless resale community, where they sell the nicer stolen things on blankets. Red was lucky.

 

 
 

On Friday night, he'd found this incredibly sweet blue-and-white "Hawaii 1984" hat on the curb outside a local hot spot, and propped himself up against the wall for the weekend, shielded from the sun, utterly disconnected from the Universe.

But all day Saturday, people kept staring at the trucker-style cap on his head, and just like that, Red was dragged kicking and screaminginto the world of mainstream pop culture. His terrifyingly sad routine on the Bowery interrupted, all because people are wearing baseball hats manufactured using mesh, a material associated with poor quality products from the 1970s.

 

 
 

They even stared at his head while he slept on Saturday night.

As this red-hot fashion trend is rebranded onto the fabric of mainstream America via Ashton Kutcher's head, the economics of Red's life have changed. For the first time in years, Red has something someone else wants, but he's sadly oblivious to the fact that the vintage blue hat with the rainbows on his head is extremely hard-to-find and may be worth a sandwich or two. All Red knew, was that on Sunday morning, when he woke up and saw his hat blowing up the Bowery, towards the Empire State Building, was that he was really pissed off.

In the hopes of returning a fashion trend to the gutter and Red back to his normal state of sanity, The Black Table will show you how to make a mesh cap out of garbage and common household supplies. Just save up those six pack rings, grab some cardboard, staples and a hot glue gun and you can be just like Red was before that German tourist nabbed the hat before it flew into traffic on Houston Street.

Chin up, Red. Hopefully, the world will realize that a homemade hat is just as cool as Hypercolor T-shirts were in the 1990s.

LET'S DO IT FOR RED!

 

 
 

RAID THE OFFICE BEFORE STARTING.

You're going to need all kinds of crap to pull this off, especially staples, duct tape, masking tape, paper plates, the cardboard from the back of a note book, a spare folder and most importantly of all, a hot glue gun.

 

 
 

STEP ONE: MAKING THE O-RING FOR YOUR HEAD.

Baseball hats are not a complicated form of headwear. It's basically a ring that encircles your head, with a brim and front part attached and some mesh keeping the back open and breezy. A marvel of form and function, it almost makes you wonder why they ever went out of style.

 

 
 

 

 
   
 

 

STEP THREE: BRIMMING WITH TREND-SETTING GOODNESS.

 
 

STEP FOUR: 42 BEERS AND THREE HOT GLUE BURNS LATER, AND YOU GOTS SOME MESH.

Of all the possible materials to make a mesh cap out of, none of them performed as well as the heap of six-pack, beer can rings that we collected in the kitchen after a long evening of caps. Sure, you can cut 'em and save the dolphins, but fuck it, they're not in style right now.

 

 
 

 

 
 

STEP FIVE: PUTTING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

This is the step where all the magic happens, where you take the beer-can ring mesh, the paper plate bill, the spare cardboard O-ring and the folder front and make something that resembles a mesh-cap. Incredible as it might seem, with the proper completion of this step, you'll be styling and profiling in a very generic way.

 

 
 

 

 

 
 

Attaching the mesh is going to be a total fucking nightmare, but just grab that stapler, hitch up those vintage corderouys and prepare to curse for the next 15 minutes or so.

1. This is the base of the hat, and your goal will be to drape the six-pack mesh over the back of the hat, completely covering it. It's not gonna work at all. So you're going to do an awful lot of complicated things, like cut the mesh in half and hot glue a billion things in place, seemingly at random, in an even more unphotogenic way than normal. 2. Harness all of the chi in the room and direct it at the hat, covering the back of the hat with mesh and affixing it there, without using up all the tape, hot glue and staples in the room. 3. When you're done fucking that last step up, make sure to leave or hack out a little gaping hole in the back, so that when the rat tail makes a comeback towards the end of the summer, you can flaunt it out the back. Finally, you've got an all white-shell that's almost ready to rock.

 

 
 

 

STEP SIX: TAPE, TAPE, TAPE, ZENORA!

1. Time to cover up the 15,000 staples you've used. This is a critical step. Without it, one of those staples can hook into your head, which can grab on to a layer of skin and peel your face like an onion. 2. In the spirit of Red's long-lost Hawaii '84 cap, our preferred tape was the blue masking crap. Feel free to do it up in a new and different way. 3. Cover the hat with tape. All of it. Including the inside and outside of the O-ring, since there will be more staples there. 4. Once the hat is completely covered, you're pretty much done. Technically, you could run off to the local watering hold for whatever $1 can of nasty they're selling, but in the spirit of relentless individuality, we recommend you move to the optional Step Seven, to trick it out a bit.

 

 
 

STEP SEVEN: HOW TO TRICK OUT YOUR SHIT TO MAKE IT TOTALLY PIMP.

The secret to tricking out your shit is creativity, but with the proper amount of smug sarcasm, you can pull off anything, so long as

 
 

it's written on a mesh cap.

1. We hot glued on this Red Dog Beer cap, in an attempt to court the ironic, "I wasn't in a frat but I'm wearing this anyway, look at me!" kind of

 

 
 

vibe. 2. Then we pulled out the random magazines we had lying around, that ol' hot glue thing and some kitchen knives. 3. Viola! We co-opt Elvis' cool with this rad little badge for the front.

THE END: WEAR DAT SHIT!

Red Dog and Elvis? Shiiiit. That's like Long Beach and Compton -- now you know you in trouble! Not only are you wearing a hat made from crap, staples and melted plastic, but you're rocking two totally unrelated pop culture references simultaneously, like some crazy human race car team.

Grab that hat, flip it to the side and rock it with pride.

 

 
 


 

Click here to see more lunacy from the lab.

 

*BT*