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  WEEK IN CRAIG: A CENTURY OF EXCELLENCE.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

So this is my 100th column. In honor of having written 99 of these fuckers, I have decided to take the week off. Awww, snap! So, instead of writing this thing (bo-ring!), I have decided to give you, my vaguely mentally unbalanced readers, a little gift … and so, in the time-honored sit-com tradition of the Very Special Episode, I present to you, gentle (yet socially incapacitated) readers, a Behind The Scenes look into The Week In Craig.

And so, without further ado, I present to you the The Blair Mailbag…

 

File it under: I hate the Yankees, and I hate your fucking guts, Amy Blair

Hi Amy:

So, I came across your article on Black Table tonight regarding the Red Sox, followed up by another one after the Yankees completed the biggest choke in sports history. Allow me, from the bottom of my heart, to be the first this new year, to tell you to go fuck yourself and then some.

How does it feel to support a team featuring a bunch of Balco-doped, overpaid, metrosexual clowns? A 3-0 series lead, three outs to go, and the most dominant closer of the modern era on the mound, and you lose not only that game, but the next three as well.

It was beautiful to watch. Particularly the indignation on the faces of the New Yorkers in attendance for games 6 & 7. Choke on it, you pathetic bastards. We just climbed over the bones of the Yankees in the most dramatic fashion possible to win the World Series. And you'll never experience a victory as sweet as this one if you win a hundred titles. You'll just never know how great it can be. Thanks for playing a part in the greatest season in history; you'll never understand.

 

File it under: I love you, Amy Blair (or I at least want to show you my wang)

OK here's the deal.

I read your articles on blacktable.com and think they are not only usually funny but interesting. I have an idea. In one of your articles you said:

"Don't get me wrong -- I'm as game as the next gal to see a couple of "goodlooking" guys stroke their cocks..."

I am a goodlooking married guy (notice there are no quotes around goodlooking) that really would like to stroke it in front of a nice female. I was thinking since you are "game" for this I'd be your subject and not only would it be fun but you could write about it. Obviously as long as I remain anonymous. I really am a normal goodlooking 34 year old guy. And you would not have to travel to Gallery Motel in Sayreville, N.J. We could do it right here in Manhattan.

Come on! Well let me know.

Take Care -

Me.

 

File it Under: I have written you a poem, Amy Blair, and I'm totally not a psycho-killer or anything, I swear

Amy, I have composed for you a poem because you deserve it. Enjoy.

Andrew

Ode to Amy

To preface: it's Friday, I'm at work and bored;
not to mitigate the feeling I'll express,
just to preface. Besides I can afford
to waste this space because a sonnet's dress
is much more spacious than this feeling's ass,
so to speak, and keeping the metaphor,
you could smuggle a buttload of plas-
tic explosives on this ass with room for more
up the dress, not that you'd want to. Perhaps
an epigram would have been a better fit
for my schoolgirl-tight sentiment; alas,
I am not really thinking through this shit,
office-brained. Before I run out of ground:
I hope you're as fucking hot as you sound.

 

File it under: You don't deserve to breath the same air as Dave Matthews, you stupid cunt, Amy Blair

Doodette,
You must be one of those dorky chix who just never get laid.

So sorry. Someday some phat dude (assuming you like doods) will turn you out and turn you over, and you won't have to bitch any more, girl.

You just need some hotness, woman, then Dave Matthews won't matter so much.
You be so achin'...

PDR

***

relax, it seems like that black table of yours is stuck in your ass sideways or something. i stumbled across this article, unfortunally. maybee you should do something more productive with you time instead of writing crap. I think your beloved MTV is starting to effect your brain. i mean i can't believe you watch MTV. well you must be an adolecent. understood. well you better get back in front of the tv so you dont miss britney's latest
video.
Aloha

***

You are the most ignorant person to have ever existed. Yes, it is understandable that you can dislike Dave Matthews and his music. A lot of people do and they are entitled to their opinions. But you give no real reasons why he should shit on a plate and eat it. You mock the man for ridiculous gestures. Shame on you and I hope you are the first person to eat his shit.

Josh

***

hello,
you fat cock. for one thing i bet Dave Matthews has a lot more tallent with a Guitar then you could ever dream of and probily ever will have. i dont see why you feel the need to go bash on Dave Matthews. Maybe Dave as so many fans because he accualy keeps a close connection with them. Dave earned his fans the old fasion way and will continue to do so. as you can probily tell Dave Matthews is my favorite Guitarest and song writer. And as a normal american i did in fact see his music video Everyday and whats wronge with giving out a little bit of love. I bet your one of those people that does nothing but sit around their appartment all day, playing computer games jack off. you get so bored with your own pitifull life that you feel the need to bash on people that are better then you and that have more respect then you. Pathedic. why dont you find somthing more to do with your life. I would like to know why you can't find any more reasons why Dave Matthews sucks so much then one of his music Videos, a concert, and a fuckin CD. "save me, save me, mister walking man" might be the part of that song you were so confused about. you just so happened to drop your hearing aid and thought you heard other wise i'm sure.
Well. i think that if you E-Mail me back with some real reasons why "Dave Matthews can go suck a big cock" then i will give your side of this argument a listen. in the mean time, maybe you should be thinking about some other way of getting attention. and posibly get out more besides sit around and watch T.V. all fuckin day ya dick terd.
-Peace

***

its "Save me, Mr. WALKING man" u idiotic blonde bitch! his music is damn good and i dont give a fuck what assholes like u think.................just be glad the Dave Matthews never has to read u wrote.....................if i had seen that article (if u even call it that.............as a writer i am even more offended) sooner, trust me, u would have gotten it
harder...................only a brainless slut can stoop as low as u did to critize someone like that.........god ppl like u piss me off

 

File it under: Thank you for explaining certain matters concerning sex, Amy Blair

I've been reading your column and it's great.

What does "rainbowing" mean? Is it about puking or something?

***

Amy, I like your style. You have been helpful in directing me away from kissy kissy sweetie pie language when what i really want is a gal to plow me from behind. Now i know how not to beat around the bush.

Thanks for the good tip

ben

 

File It Under: I'm going to make your day, Amy Blair

Greetings from Baghdad
Hey just started becoming an addicted craigslister, keep up the writing(i needed a good dose of sarcasm and humor). Finally getting out of this annoying dangerous hell hole which wouldn't be that bad if it weren't for the army.
Cheers
SPC Frank *****
***th MP Battalion/***th MP CO
Baghdad, Iraq
APO AE ***** - ***

 

File it Under: Jennifer Garner is like soooooooo much hotter than you, Amy Blair

Subject: This is me sticking up for Jennifer Garner

sounds like you need to get laid.
ok bye.

***

Subject: Jennifer Garner Review Thingee

shut the fuck up and stop writing shit about her.

Shes only lead 2 major movies, shes got one tv series and 13 going on 30 was a classic comedy, no matter what some stupid cynical bitch says about a movie shell never see on the net.

And your only jelous because your fat and ugly and your ex boyfriend liked her.

 

File it under: Amy Blair, Star Wars geeks are just like you

Amy,

You want to get stoned and watch friday every day. Some guy wants to dress up as a stormtrooper every now and then and watch star wars. Both of you want to escape reality. One of you posts comments on craigslist and has fun. One of you mocks them and feels superior. Who's superior?

I feel your boyfriends pain.

- Cullen

 

File it under: Most men would dream of getting emails like this one, Blair

I would just like to state for the record that not all girls who aren't into anal don't do it because of morals or because they're "nice" or whatever. I consider myself a pretty bad girl: I like public sex, have participated in group sex, had sexual experiences with other women, and and fucked my fair share of men pretty much every way imaginable. While I have tried anal sex on several occasions, and don't mind the occasion rubbing or licking of the asshole, I refuse to let men stick their dicks in my butt, because I know IT HURTS LIKE HELL. And yes, I've heard from a few sources that eventually it stops hurting, but frankly, I'm not willing to make the pain sacrifices to get there. And I'm sick of the porn industry and all you girls who do grit your teeth and bare it telling me that I'm a "nice" girl because of my decision. I'm from the South and I live in the Midwest; I know what real "nice" girls look like.

 

I hope you have all enjoyed this little foray into the magical world that is in my life. If you're in New York, stop by the big Black Table party tomorrow evening and punch me in the face, or something. Oh, but please don't ask my friends about my Chewbacca costume, my Jennifer Garner posters, my Dave Matthews CDs or my Manny Ramirez baseball card collection. Cause that would be, like, so totally embarrassing.

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.