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  WEEK IN CRAIG: TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO POST HAS GONE BEFORE.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

File this under N, for "No, this is not a joke. Sadly."

On Monday a link began popping up at the bottom of many craigslist ads that states "ok to transmit this posting into outer space". When you click on it, you get this frighteningly real press release from the good people at craigslist. To save you the trouble of actually reading it (Reading? Bo-ring!) here are the highlights:

  • Today craigslist… announced plans to offer its users the opportunity to have their postings transmitted trillions of miles beyond the confines of the Solar System.

  • It looks like we may hit 2 billion page views per month in March here on Earth," noted craigslist customer service rep and founder, Craig Newmark. "We wanted to be the first to offer free job postings, apartment listings, personals and other classifieds to the extraterrestrial community. We believe there could be an infinite market opportunity," chuckled Craig as he turned back to his computer screen to respond to craigslist customer service emails.

  • craigslist announced the ambitious plan after CEO Jim Buckmaster won an auction on eBay for the first private communication to be transmitted into deep space by Deep Space Communications Network, of Cape Canaveral, Florida. Noting that such transmissions have long been the exclusive domain of military and research institutions, Buckmaster said "We're thrilled to offer our users this historic opportunity", and added that negotiations were ongoing with DSCN for transmission capacity orders of magnitude beyond those offered in the original auction, to accommodate the interstellar messaging needs of the mammoth online community.

  • Effective immediately, all earthlings posting to craigslist will have an opportunity to earmark their message for inclusion in the historic transmission from Cape Canaveral, immediately following the launch of the Discovery Space Shuttle - currently scheduled for May 15, 2005. Deep Space Communications Network will transmit the postings, along with a personal video message from Craig, and a clip from the documentary "24 Hours on craigslist" light years into space, for the benefit and edification of potential future craigslist community members in the great beyond.

So, this week, to honor all the little nerds and nerdettes on craigslist who have watched WAY too many Star Trek episodes and are completely creaming their jeans in anticipation of their ads being TOTALLY READ BY ALIENS!!!, this week we're delving into the extraterrestrial on craigslist…

Uh, beam me up?

I want an Alien To Fuck My Ass...from a UFO - 54 (stinson, bolinas)

Hey, they've almost done it on Stargate. But that's straight alien sex. I want gay butt fucking from a friggin alien. No, not a lowdown illegal alien from stinkin' Mexi-land, but one of those grays, or the blues, with the big killer eyes. Hold me down, boys! Trouble is they don't have mouthes to suck because they've evolved so far that they take nutrients out of the air, and talk with telepathy. But I hear their DICKS are huge, with two heads so one can fuck while the other gets sucked by a human. And cum that tastes like chocolate. That's why they abduct us, dudes! For their own faggot pleasure. Not for medical experiments or asinine stuff like that. They've boogied 67 trillion light years to get to our hot little sex planet and they want to get OFF. Hey, beam me up, my ass is ready for an otherwordly experience. An I heard that they can get us guys PREGNANT. You TS'es and CDs should like that, you can really feel like a total woman if they knock your ass up. And their magic stuff can fix hemmerhoids, cure AIDS and even better, heal ZITS. All the gray aliens are men. They liked gay sex so much that all their womenfolk de-evolved and now they procreate, masturbate and fuck-recreate with just men. Keep it up you SF dudes. In 100,000 years, SF will be all faggy men. Kewwl! So if you see a UFO tonight, flag it down by showing it your gay colors and/or your meat. But tell the lezzies to watch out. They have no use for 'em except for their pussies as yeast factories. My asshole's waitin for R2D2 , though...he's the ultimate dildo. He just dives right up yer ass!

What's the problem here, man? Their dicks are huge and have two heads, and their cum tastes like chocolate? Sounds like a party to me! Dude, I have friends who would sell their own grandmothers to find men like this.

InterGalactic Cosmos UFO Reporting Center (ICUFORC)

The InterGalactic Cosmos UFO Reporting Center (ICUFORC) exists for YOU to report any and all realistic, verifiable, information on sightings, UFO phenomena, abductions, etc. you may have via email or phone interviews that are tape recorded.

Email rs7fap@bestweb.net including your full name, age, sex, exact location, time and date of sighting, email address, phone number and any and all information about your experience.

Information submitted may be used for related reporting on UFO's on a website and or Ebook in the future and by submitting this information you consent to having it published without any compensation what-so-ever.

If calling leave your name and phone number so we cmay call you back for a live taped interview.

Phone contact is 1 914 527 9740

Thank you

Dear good people at the InterGalactic Cosmos UFO Reporting Center (ICUFORC):

My name is Amy Blair. I am sitting in my office right now and I am 100%, verifiably surrounded by aliens. They seem to enjoy making copies. And creating spreadsheets. They write reports, and fax things. It's completely fucked up. I am certain they are aliens. Please send help.

I'm under siege.

Thank you,
Amy

UFOs

I've seen several posts regarding strange sights in the skies. I had three uncles who were career pilots in the air force. They all had many experiences to relate about the strange things they had seen. All three, served for over twenty years, all three had seen action in at least two wars, and all three told more stories about these strange sightings than about their war experiences. My wife and I were in Hawaii, Sitting on the front porch after dinner, we saw, what I know was a UFO. Up until this time I had always considered the stories I had been told by my uncles to be no more than "tall tails". They're real, at least I believe, I'm not a freak who is obsessed with this stuff, just wanted to share.

So, like, this one time I went down to Philadelphia for a Grateful Dead concert in high school, and I took, like, two huge hits of acid. Then I smoked a bunch of pot and hash. Then I drank some jagermeister. Then I sucked down a bunch of nitrous. I topped it all off by smoking a ton of opium in the back of some hippie guy's VW bus. And ya know what? At the end of the night, my teeth were totally facing the wrong direction in my mouth. Can you believe it? I checked them in the mirror. And they were REALLY backwards. My friends checked them out, and they verified it - totally backwards. And you know what the really weird thing was? In the morning, they were totally back to normal! I can't explain it, but it really happened. So you know what? I TOTALLY believe you about the UFO. These things happen.

Want lasting relationship with female alien - 39 (san carlos)

I am from Earth in the Milky Way Galaxy and would love to meet women from another galaxy. Prefer semi-huminoids but will date Amphibious aliens. I love older female aliens so no Amoebas need reply. Also no Reptilians or aliens with gills will be considered.

I am the handsomest man on the planet, no other description necessary.

Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you post that, errr, that, that creature?

Anyway, listen, man, you're onto something here. Seriously, there's something to be said for amphibious aliens and being pawed by multiple tentacles while getting done from behind. However, semi-humanoids are just frustrating because in my experience they have serious issues with their place in the universe. Reptilians are alright, but they're so slimy. If you can get over that, they're wonders in the sack.

Well. That's it my fellow humanoids. I just got my copy of Star Trek: The Next Ejaculation from Adam & Eve, so I'm outtie. Carry on, earthlings! Um, or something like that.

 

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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.