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  WEEK IN CRAIG: "O-H-I-O" IS A FOUR LETTER WORD.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

Craigslisters, I come to you this week with a heavy heart and a terrible sense of loss in my otherwise pathetically apathetic MTV-generation soul.

On Tuesday morning, Election Day, I woke up before my alarm went off at 6 a.m. (which never happens, unless, of course, someone is trying to, like, have sex with me or something). I jumped out of bed like I was seven years old and Santa had left an assload of presents under a tree growing in my living room. I hopped in the shower, flipped on the shower radio (old school!) and was actually dancing in the shower. Mind you, it was still dark out. And, shockingly enough, I am not what you would call "an early riser."

Afterwards, I banged on my roommate's door shouting "Four more years! Four more years!" (Ha ha ha, I thought, I'm such a funny head!) Under normal circumstances, when I do this kind of a thing at 6:30 in the morning, she comes out of her room and bangs me over the head with a frying pan. But not on Tuesday. Instead, she bounded out of her room yelling "it's votin' time!" We then sang a rousing rendition of "This Land Is Your Land" together, she showered quickly and we were off to the elementary school up the road to exercise our right to SWEET BLISTERING FREEDOM!

When we arrived, the nice man at the information table told us to get on the wrong line. When we went to that table, our names weren't in the book. After some confusion and debate over which election district we lived in, we were sent to another line. Lo and behold, we were in the book! After signing our names in the most highly official manner, we were led to the booth. The nice little old ladies then argued for a little while about how to turn the machine on, and what to do after we came out (SWEET BLISTERING FREEDOM!). Finally, we each got a turn to vote, and high-fived each other with total, searing confidence that our votes had, like, totally counted.

We then headed our separate ways, gloriously empowered, barely able to contain our excitement for the next 12 hours when the polling results would start coming in and we would, like, totally have a new President!

Around 2 a.m., we started to realize that things were not going so well, and that the flag-hating, welfare-loving, Godless dreams of us Northeasterners were coming to a crashing halt.

So, that's it. Four more years it is. The joke's up. Someone hit me over the head with a frying pan already.

Well, at least no one is blaming Ohio…

OHIO SHOULD BE DESTROYED IN A NUCLEAR STRIKE

YOU TOOTHLESS, MOONSHINE SLURPING, EGG-SUCKING DOGS ALONG WITH EVERY FUCKIN' INBRED HILLBILLY SHITFACE WHO VOTED THAT WORTHLESS DRUNKEN CRACKA INTO OFFICE SHOULD BE TIED UP TO A TELEPHONE POLE AND BARBEQUED THEN BE EATEN BY A PACK OF WILD PIT BULLS AND ROTTWEILERS. YOU SCUM SUCKING PIGS JUST THREW OUR COUNTRY DOWN THE TOILET. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT OPENING YOUR MOUTHS AND BLAMING THE DEMS FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOW IN TOTAL CONTROL AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU FUCKTARDS. NO WONDER THEY CALL YOUR SHITSTAIN CITY THE MISTAKE BY THE LAKE. DROP DEAD EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. I USED TO SUSPECT OHIO SUCKED MAN ASS NOW MY SUSPICIONS HAVE BEEN COMFIRMED. AND TO THE COCKSUCKER WHO SAID OHIO WON'T HELP NYC IN ANOTHER TERROR ATTACK, I SAY: FUCK YOU AND YOUR CHARITY UP YOUR SORE RED BLOODY ASS. WE DON'T WANT OR NEED YOU. IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE EVER NOTICED ANYTHING OHIO DID ANYWAY. THAT IS UNTIL 11/2/04. HAVE FUN LICKING BUSH'S HAIRY, SMELLY BALLS AND ASS. LOSERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wee! Somebody's a little but, um, angry.

I was giving it some thought last night, and I realized that I'm going to be 31 by the time we get a new president. I'll be a washed-up old bird, well on my way to menopause. (I know, I know, menopause doesn't start until you're at least, like, 33, but you get the point). By that time, I'll probably be living in the suburbs, making Holly Hobby craft projects with my brood of 17 children and hanging out with MY MOM for fun. The next four years promise nothing but hell, which means that I can pretty much throw in the towel now on the prospect of having any fun with the last of my "good years."

Damn you, W. And damn you Ohio.

Ohio: Our retarded cousin

Stand beside the still factory and vote for the guy that closed it.

Nice goin'. Happy Hollidays.

Now that's not very nice! I'm sure that there are AT LEAST one or two non-retarded people in Ohio!

I personally, have driven through Ohio many times. You see, I went to college on the OTHER side of Ohio (weird, huh?), and thus drove across many times. I saw cows, and fields, and more cows. I have spent the night in Ohio exactly three times. Once, I visited an ex-boyfriend's grandmother in Youngstown -- an excessively scary place. Another time I visited my own grandmother in Cambridge -- at least 60-70 times scarier than Youngstown. And finally, one time, due to snowstorm and other extenuating circumstances, I spent the night in the Cleveland bus station -- quite possibly the scariest place on earth.

So, yeah. I guess what I'm saying here is that Ohio is, in fact, our retarded cousin. Sorry!

Thanks a lot, Assholes!

Your state's economy is going down the toilet, and you bozos chose to reelect that dipshit pigfucker!? Just fucking brilliant. It just proves that while you may physically be in the north, your mentality is somewhere between an outhouse and a hayloft.

Hey, come on, man, that's going a bit too far now, don't you think? I mean, after all, my mentality is somewhere between an outhouse and a hayloft, and I still managed to cast my vote for Kerry…

Hey Ohio - it's okay

You're not solely responsible for sealing our nation's fate. I blame every one of those fundamentalists in the Red states for steering our country into what will surely be the darkest days in our history. It was a concerted effort.

So buck-up Buckeyes! It's not all your fault. You're only the largest, most obvious contributors to the total dismemberment of reason and rationality in this country. Open your arms and welcome the return of the dark ages. You will get what you deserve and sadly, I will get what you deserve too.

I fear you and the rest of those creatures from the red states more than I fear the terrorists you think you're protecting me from. Fuck you very much.

Hey, you can't argue with logic.

Yoohoo, Ohio! Fuck you very much!

 

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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.