back to the Black Table
           
  WEEK IN CRAIG: IRISH EYES ARE POSTIN'.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

Happy one-month anniversary, Craigslist Dublin! In honor of the occasion, this week we'll be exploring some of the finer points of Irish culture as outlined by Missed Connections, such as getting drunk, banging chicks and beating the living crap out of people. Oh, and having sex with cows.

Yippee! Hooray for Irish bovine booty!

Err, sorry. Anyway. So, I have to admit that I have a special fondness in my cold dead heart for the old country. You see, way back in the day, when I was but a wee lass of 20 (those were the days, my friend, those were the days…), I went to college in Ireland for awhile in order to "study Joyce and Yeats." That's funny now. Hee hee. I actually read Ulysses! You know, that really, really long book that makes no sense but makes you look smart if you have it on your shelf?

Yeah, that one. I was, like, all into literature and thought that I'd be a "poet." Ha ha ha, silly 20-year-old! Real people don't become poets! They become receptionists! Receptionists who can answer the $2,000 Jeopardy question in 18th Century British Literature correctly … which is meaningless, totally meaningless, cause it's not like I'm a contestant on Jeopardy, or anything. Oh god, why couldn't I have studied science? Or economics? Even monkeys, for Christ's sake?!? Oh, god …

Anyway, I won't continue to bore you with my spent dreams, or my pathetic self-flagellation, or my tales of woe and the mountains of wasted student loan debt (will someone just shoot me, already?) … instead, onwards to the boozing and the booty! Onwards to the fighting! Onwards, mighty cow sex!

Ireland rules.

My Irish eyes are smiling! But my man-tool is dancing like MICHAEL FLATLEY!!!-

The mad cow disease is no mystery! It's from the relentless arse fecking I've been giving them, driving them MAD over the months! Thanks to no females in sight! So why not DART on over to my castle and feel like a queen for ten minutes or less!?

This is genuinely one of the most excellent things ever posted on craigslist. For those that don't understand, let me give you the Irish-to-English translation. Basically, it goes something like so:

My Irish eyes are smiling, but I'm so horny that my penis is hopping around like that Irish-jigging genetic mutation on crack, Michael Flately, who brought us the inexplicably popular (and enormously frightening) Lord Of The Dance. You see, the recent proliferation of Mad Cow Disease in Ireland can be explained by the relentless ass fucking I have been administering to all of the cows, which has in turn been driving them MAD (that's a funny pun, fyi) for months. I've been forced to take this action against my cows as a direct result of the lack of females in my life. So, if this sounds appealing to you, come over to my house, and I'll give YOU the same relentless ass fucking that the cows have been enjoying for months now. And don't worry, ladies, it'll take just ten minutes (or less!).

All I have to say in response to this: Sign my ass up! Yeeha!

Redhead with green eyes looking for Irish husband - 38

I'd love to meet a charming Irish man who would like to take me back to Ireland and get me out of this crazy country where illegally elected politicians are waging criminal wars and possess pathological patriotism. I'm very health-conscious, liberal, love art, history and nature. I would like to fall in love with a man from Ireland and move out of the US. I'm intelligent, very loving and into exploring my Pagan Celtic heritage. No brainwashed Catholics, please... Hope to hear from you.. I have a profile on http://personals.seattleweekly.com/search.aspx profile "mysticrose" No smokers or alcoholics please.

At what point in life does the Desperate Husband Hunt (D.H.H., for short) become so far gone that you're willing to sacrifice every remaining shred of dignity and post an ad on Craigslist Dublin with the heading "Redhead with green eyes looking for Irish husband - 38?" Oh, at age 38, one supposes.

Anyway, lady, I do understand your fascination with Irish men. I went through a similar phase myself (read: 2001-2003… thanks for the memories Mark! Rory! Caithal! Michael! Other Irish guys whose names I've forgotten!) But, do you really think that some magical Irish Prince Charming is going to read your freaking Craigslist ad and say to themselves, "wow, that broad sounds like a real winner! I know what I'm gonna do -- I'm gonna buy her a ticket on Aer Lingus TONIGHT and take her out of that crazy country of hers, and make an honest woman of her!"

Not to mention, Einstein, even people with the basest understanding of Irish political history realize that illegally elected politicians, criminal wars and pathological patriotism are nothing new in IRELAND of all places. Helloooooo, haven't you seen In The Name Of The Father?!

But good luck exploring your Pagan Celtic heritage! And good luck with that whole "no smokers or alcoholics please" thing. Honey, it's Ireland!

What's up ya fuckin' micks?

Howdy Dubs, keeping my beer cold for me while I'm gone? Hah! Warm beer - nasty. NO I'm bullshitting you, I like Dublin, I haven't been there in a while but I had fun last time. Some good looking chicks there. Go Sox!

People of Boston, please, just please, please please please cease existing. Thank you.

2nd Generation, comming back, do you know my family?

My father is 100% Irish, but was born in America(california) he did return for 8 years of his life as a child. Myself, would like to be returning home. My father and I are planning on a trip to look for relations and look around the old spots, etc. Anyhow, I'm looking for:

Fitzpatrick Family, from Cork county. My family's trade is Ferrier(horse shoeing)

My name is Maurice Fitzpatrick, the same as my father's name, and his father's name, and so on... we don't know much about the family tree, so it could go on more!

So please, if you know a Fitzpatrick, let him know my email. Or better yet let me know his/her's. Thanks for your time.

~Mossy

An Open Letter To Mossy:

By definition, if your father was born in America, he is American - not 100% Irish. (OY).

With that out of the way, I'd like to add that you are an absolute idiot. Do you have any idea how many Fitzpatricks there are in County Cork? Don't you think that there might just MAYBE be a more effective way of tracing your family tree than by posting a craigslist ad - which I imagine at this point is used by about 80 times more Americans than actual Irish people? Also, the word "coming" has one "M." And "Mossy" is the most idiotic nickname I have ever heard in my life.

With Love,
Amy

Hello from California - 33

I haven't got a chance to get back there, but I plan to soon. Write me if you might want to just talk about anything. Amy this is for you, I know you're in a better place.
I also want to say hi to a beautiful girl I met in Killarney, in a youth hostile in 94. You had black hair and blue eyes, you borrowed some exfoliant from me. You were so sweet....What are the chances that you see this? Sweet Dreams all my fairies........

Eww, creep-o-rama! I so don't like seeing my name used in this context. "Amy this is for you, I know you're in a better place." Despite the grammatical ridiculousness of the statement, it totally gives me the creeps. It sounds like I'm dead. Yech.

Anyway, how hilarious that he's sending a shout-out to some chick that he hooked up with 10 years ago in a youth hostel in Killarney. Good god, that's sad. What's more sad than that? She borrowed some exfoliant from him! EXFOLIANT!

Hey, buddy? What are the odds that she'll see this? Extremely, extremely small. (Had I been a math major, I might be able to calculate them for you…but alas…poetry, for fuck's sake). Ahem . What are the chances that, even on the off chance that she DID happen to see this ad, that she would actually remember one drunken night in a youth hostel ten years ago? Umm, about a billion to one. And, when you factor in the fact that you end your ad with "sweet dreams all my fairies" AND the whole exfoliant thing, well, man, your chance of hearing from your Killarney sweetheart are, well, let's just say, zero. Like, sorry!

Anyway, I'm outtie. Sweet Dreams all my fairies!

 

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.