The jobs section of craigslist is an area that I usually do my best to avoid. The posts are usually all, like, serious and shit. You know, like, advertisements for, well, ACTUAL jobs. These are the job requirements, here's where to send your resume, no phone calls, please, and blah blah blahhhhh.

Frankly, it's a fucking bore.

However, this week I sucked it up and forced myself to explore this uncharted so-called "job" territory, and I noticed a somewhat disturbing trend in the help wanteds … a plethora of rich, dirty old men advertising for high-paying "personal assistants" on craigslist.

Check it: Not only do they want them to type up memos, answer the phones, and make the copies, but they also want them to do double-duty in the bedroom … on the clock. Clearly, these guys have seen Secretary one too many times and are under the impression that Maggie Gyllenhaal is available on the internet for $45K a year to pick up their dry cleaning and take notes in their meetings. And, not to mention, get on her knees under the desk every now and again.

Honestly, I'm appalled.

…

Although … (and there's always an "although…"), you kinda got to hand it to these guys if it works: Why bother paying for a secretary AND a girlfriend if you can get the 2-for-1 deal from some poor, desperate young piece of ass on craigs? (An updated version of the old "why buy the cow?" saying, if you will.)

Think about it. (Errr, well, not too much).

1 Personal Assistant Wanted - m4w - 33

1 Right Hand / Personal Assistant Wanted !!
I have a start up company in my home/office with advanced equipment, auto dialers, a network of computers for the net and more... This is a unique position which may require you to go beyond the call of duty sometimes.
I need 1 right hand ! Submissive, Exotic Personal Assistant to run or assist my home/office in Manhattan New York. Some of your daily tasks maybe working from my store front selling items Doing paper work in my home/office, make phone calls, gather information, run errands, pass out flyers, occassional shopping and light cooking and cleaning and occassional stress release. Some travel will be required (travel and or hotel expenses is paid). Graphic design and/or Web design is a big plus.
In a nut shell, I NEED A DO IT ALL KIND OF ASSistant.
Pay: training + commissions + perks $1,000 per week can be obtained. Guaranteed minimum payment and sign on bonus is available if qualified.
If your relocating to New York, room and board can be arranged.
Email your picture and resume/information.

OK, so you're reading along, everything looks nice and normal, pretty standard stuff, auto dialers … a network of computers … going beyond the call of duty … and then suddenly you get to line five and the whole thing goes freaking ape shit. Submissive, exotic…personal assistant? Yup.

That's right -- he's looking for an "ASSistant." (How clever of him, eh?).

Call me a prude all you want, but it totally creeps me out to see an ad for what is ostensibly a sex slave that says "graphic design and/or Web design is a big plus."

Seriously. What the fuck?

*****Looking to pamper and spoil a personal assistant***** - 33

I am posting here on the advice of an associate. He found someone who was looking for a similar arrangement so I thought I would attempt the same.
Though I am based out of Boston, I am in New York about 12 days out for the month. I usually stay at midtown hotels with the occasional foray into SOHO. I work for a lobbyist group in the energy field and really enjoy the autonomy of my position. Though I thought I would be married by this point in my life, I am far too adventurous to settle down. It's hard to have a wife and kids if you're travelling through Europe or deep sea fishing in South Africa. Junkets are always the best part of a job, right?

This might sound too direct, but here it goes. My firm allocated a budget expense for a personal assistant. But since I don't need anyone in New York to handle my appointments[my Boston secretary is unbelievable], I am willing to pay someone for the companionship.
I am Ivy league educated and have seen six continents. I'm 6'2", short brown hair, green eyes, and manage to work out 3 times a week. I have a dry sense of humor and always seem to have fun on dates whether I'm in a tux or blazer and loafers. YOu should be equally comfortable in a cocktail dress or jeans and a tshirt.
My friends describe me as that crazy bachelor that will never marry, but really I like those moments you share with someone special, too. It's a side I don't show much, but with the right person it can be so intense.

Here's who I'm looking for: a 24-29 year old woman[just an age range, not concrete], intelligent, attractive and confident. I don't mind if you're a student, but please be more mature than your peers. You must be the carefree, adventurous type[you know who you are].

As for what I'm offering, the exact figure including stipend is in the 4-5k range monthly.

As of now, this money is going nowhere and I don't need another secretary. The transaction would be wired to an unnamed account in a Manhattan bank and I would give you the ATM check card. Some other financial arrangement can be made, but I think this is the cleanest.

Pics are necessary as chemistry is undisputable. I'll respond in kind and we can meet for some mojitos to see if this is something you'd want to pursue.
Please, serious replies only.

Let me recount all of the moments while reading this ad in which I felt the need to spontaneously vomit all over myself:

1. "I usually stay at midtown hotels with the occasional foray into SOHO."

2. "It's hard to have a wife and kids if you're travelling through Europe or deep sea fishing in South Africa."

3. "I have a dry sense of humor and always seem to have fun on dates whether I'm in a tux or blazer and loafers."

Now, let's just get this straight. This fucker works for an energy lobbying group. And this whoop-dee-doo lobbying group has so much dough that they have set aside $4-to-$5K per month for him to hire a secretary for the 12 days per month that he's in New York (what the?!) … but this dude is, like, sooo smart that he's going to hoist all of the extra work on his "unbelievable" Boston secretary, tell the accounting department that he's hired another assistant in New York, and then spend the allocated money (may I repeat-four to five fucking thousand dollars per month) on a PROSTITUTE.

The integrity of lobbyists can be astounding.

(If we should all be so lucky).

female personal & business assistant needed part time 21-25 yo

sexy female needed for various duties. ideal female will be 21-25 years old. very outgoing. has some selling or marketing experience. can and likes to dance. knows how to dress. very trustworthy since dealing with alot of money. well organized. has ideas to help business grow

duties-selling tickets. passing out flyers. create a following via face to face, e-mail or phone. attending events with me when needed. run sum personal errands from time to time.
availabilty-some Monday late nights. some Thursday evenings, some Friday nights, sum Saturday nights. if interested, reply with full name, age, picture, nationality, fav music to dance to, 1 reason why u would want this part time position.

Ahh, if only every job ad were so honest. I mean, hey, if he wants a business assistant and bookkeeper who also can dance and has big boobies (I'm just assuming that he wants her to have big boobies -- probably a safe bet), well, then more power to him for being upfront. No? I mean, would I have wasted my time four years ago applying for that Assistant Literary Agent position, had I known that they were looking for a candidate who had actually researched what the job would entail? Would I have ever bothered with those multiple interviews back in 2001 at that bullshit publishing company had I realized that they wanted an Assistant Editor who was interested in "underwater erotica?" (I'm serious).

Anyway. That's it for this week. I've got to run now-it's time for my ASSistant's spanking. ASSistant. Get it? Ass?

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.