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  WEEK IN CRAIG: MOAMMAR GADHAFI NEEDS A DATE.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

My brother and I, clever little shitbags that we were, nicknamed my mother Moammar Gadhafi. At the time that we bestowed this tender, affectionate little moniker upon her, Gadhafi was the great enemy of the Western World, and Moammar, we thought, was a funny little play on the word "mom." Funny, right?

We thought that the name suited her nicely.

You see, my mother is what you might term, putting it mildly, a terrorist with a vacuum cleaner. She does not just vacuum a room-she takes hostages.

My brother and I would be deeply invested in an episode of Miami Vice, when suddenly along would come Moammar Gadhafi with her Hoover, forcing us to put our feet up on the coffee table and turn the volume up to an ear-piercing decibel, while she smashed around under our feet, grumbling about us goddamned kids and our potato chip crumbs on the carpet.

My mother is the only woman I've ever known who vacuums her entire house twice daily. TWICE. She actually keeps three separate vacuums in the house-one on the first floor, one upstairs in her bedroom, and one in the basement. Easy access for spot vacuuming, so she says.

Once she decided to buy red wall-to-wall carpeting for our dining room. The stress of the thing nearly drove poor Moammar over the edge once and for all. Breadcrumbs against the red carpet were chronically appearing. They were mocking her. She was vacuuming every hour on the hour, and they still kept appearing. Within three months, she had ripped the thing out. Tiles, she found, were more her style.

You can imagine my shock when, in the eleventh grade, Moammar started dating again. Up until that point, I imagined, she was satisfied with her solitary life of chronic vacuuming.

Anyway, this week I present an homage to the Moammar Gadhafi's of the world -- dating. Brace yourselves: If I've learned anything from my exhaustive craigslist research on the topic, it's that moms looking for action are nothing short of vomitous.

Do us a favor, ladies, and stay home and, like, bake us cookies, or something. You're moms, for god's sake!

Young mom seeks playmate - nsa - 24

I am a young mom and always wanted to be with a woman but had other priorities. Now that my son is a little bigger I have more free time to myself and want to experience something I always wanted to try. Your pic gets mine.

Some moms, when their kids go off to nursery school, start taking an exercise class at the YWCA. Others become addicted to soap operas and daytime talk shows. Some go back to school, or start working again, or pick up a new hobby.

Take this young momster, for example. With her husband off at work and little Jimmy in pre-k, she finds herself with some newfound free time on her hands. What better way to spend it than trying something new? Like having sex with other women. You go ma!

Hell, I guess it's better than watching Lifetime Original Movies all day. One supposes.

ethnic beauty seeks SWM 40s - 39

pretty, curvy, smart, musical w/eclectic humor, divorced sgl mom wants attractive fit SWM for companionship, discreet encounters and fun. I have a thing for Italian men with passion who appreciate ethnicity. exchange photos.

Good god, lady. Nobody wants to think of moms like this. Moms are supposed to wear jumpers and make lemonade and enjoy diverse tasks such as sewing badges on girl scout uniforms, or mopping floors.

Moms aren't supposed to want discreet encounters with Italian men with passion. Buy yourself a Danielle Steele novel like the rest of the moms of the world. That's normal. Actually looking to act out a Danielle Steele novel using craigslist is just creepy.

Sunny, Funny, Bunny Looking for Peppy, Preppie Pappie - 49

Hi I am looking for friendship first I am single parent of 10 year old boy, fun-loving and hard working. I like movies hanging out with friends and dinner.

I need someone financially secure and generous. If you have kids too this is a plus for me. I am very kid and family oriented. Hope to hear from someone special.

Ahhh, can you imagine being a kid and finding out that your mother had posted an ad on the internet seeking a "Peppy, Preppie Pappie?" It was bad enough when I found out that my own mother was attending Parents Without Partners events -- if I ever found out that my mother was referring to herself as a "Sunny, Funny, Bunny" it would have left a scar that only years of professional counseling and not-so-professional drug experimentation could dull.

Funny Bunny -- think of your children!

Attention all Yankee Fans - 29

I'm a bored single (but sexy) mom looking for a group of male friends to frequent the sports bars this spring/summer and watch the games. Would love to learn more about my favorite team & sport, people who are into fantasy baseball would be great! Guys: Please be witty, not arrogant, not looking for a relationship (and not currently in one)and into the sports bar scene in the city. Play pool a plus! Send me a pic and I'll send you mine.

Hmmm, mom, I'm not buying the whole "looking for platonic guy friends" thing. Why are you advertising that you're single and sexy, if you're not looking for a the boot-tay? I can read right through that whole "fantasy baseball" line.

This is craigslist. No need to be coy. Naughty moms need love, too.

Shiver.

any married MEN in NNJ? - w4m - 36

Hello-

I'm 36, 5'6' 125lbs divorced mom looking for married men in their 40s for after work fun and dates on the side. MEN in suits and ties +++ If you are well endowed +.. Length doesnt matter, Girth does! I wont open emails without pictures.

Divoced Mom-

There's a reason why you're "divoced," mom. You're gross. You're looking for "dates on the side" with 40-something married guys from Jersey who wear suits and ties? Personally, I'd rather hump a kangaroo.

But, hey. More power to you. Probably no one else wants to bone them.

Anyway, I'm pretty creeped out by all these moms trying to get a piece of something something on craigslist. I prefer the blissful ignorance of assuming that all moms are like mine -- their deepest longing in life is for breadcrumb-free carpets.

Shit. Gadhafi's going to kill me if she sees this.

 

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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.