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  WEEK IN CRAIG: I NEED A ROOMMATE.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

People are often shocked and amazed to hear that I first moved in with my current roommate when I was but a tiny young pup, at the tender age of eighteen. We've pretty much lived together ever since, save for a brief 8-month stint when she was nerding it up in Japan, and I was drinking my face off in Ireland.

I have now lived with my current roommate longer than I ever lived with my father. Nearly as long as I ever lived with my older sister. And just long enough that we can now communicate with each other through a complex system of grunts and vague hand gestures. "Guuuuhhh" means "this place is a fucking mess." "Blehghhhhhhh" means "this show sucks-change the channel." Niceties have long since gone out the window. Like the married old couple that we might as well be, "get me a beer, bitch" is a common phrase that both of us know means "I love you."

Why am I boring you with this tale? Cause Craigslist, more than anything else, proves that good roommates are hard to find.

Thank god I've got my dorky little Japanophile. When I call her that, she knows Amy cares. Aww.

Now onto the fucking freaks looking for roommies on Craigs.

$700 - Quirky, neat, open-minded Scorpio video artist wants you!

Good day, CL reader. My name is Beth and I just moved here from San Francisco. I am a hard-working, sweet (with the right smidgen of intensity, free-spirited 30 something video artist who produces a wonderful little tv show.

I want a Home with a capital H in the viscinity of Windsor Terrace and the non-kiddie/yuppie areas of Park Slope or South Slope (or the Upper West side). I want a place where I don't feel like some outsider who has to abide by someone else's pre-established rules (aka - "we only accept red-haired vegans"). I want a place that's sunny and has a nice kitchen (I like to cook).

I want a roommate who isn't depressed or home all the time. I want a roommate who contributes to the house in a fun and unusual way. A gay male would be good for me, but of course, that's not set in stone. Also, $700 is the max amount for me - my range is more like $550 - $700.

What else? I guess its more a vibe than anything. A warm and inviting personality. I'd also like: laundry inside the building, some closet space, sunshine, newish appliances, electrical sockets that work, and lastly, a partridge in a pear tree.

I'd like to go in on a place together - that would be great. By June 1 or June 15. That way we would be on equal footing. Whaddya think? Is that you?

"Our house...is a very, very, very fine house."

This is why Californians should stay the hell in California. A sweet, free-spirited video artist who is looking for a Home with a capital H sounds like a nightmare and a half. Take your fruity little partridge in a pear tree and your smidgen of intensity back to California, Janis Joplin.

But hey -- good luck with that roommate search while you're here -- I know how hard it is finding an apartment when so many sections of Park Slope and the Upper West Side only allow vegan redheads. So, yeah, best wishes and all, you fucking carnivorous brunette.

Californians. I just can't deal with them.

Room available for single female

I have an extra room for a single female who is open to a couple times a week compensation. Rent Free. I will also cook and buy all the food. You clean after we eat. I am a good guy that caught a bad break (cheating ex-wife) and looking for companionship. I have a beautiful condo in Bay Ridge Brooklyn

Wow, free rent? Can I believe my eyes?! There's gotta be a catch. Wait, all I have to do is clean up every night after a fat-ass bitter slob, suck his teensy weensy a couple of times a week, and live sixteen hours outside of the city in beautiful, happenin' Bay Ridge?

Honey-having to smell your farts and listen to you beat off every other night through the condo walls hardly makes free room and board worthwhile.

Throw in a Ferrari and we'll talk.

$650 - THE BIG OL' SCROTUM BLUES

Hello everybody. My name is Johnny and I'm a boy.

"What does he mean, Bob?"

"Well, Dick, this person has no vagina. And as we all know, EVERYBODY who posts an ad on craigslist requires a vagina."

Females only. Females preferred. Looking for girls. Really, people, get over it. There are many a fine gentleman these days. The "females only" ads are sooo 2003. Besides, ladies, what if some maniac psycho-killer breaks into your house in the middle of the night and there you are, a poor innocent girl, with no hero there to step up and defend you?? I COULD BE THAT HERO.

Well, listen. I've lived in New York before and I'm coming back for three months. I've got work lined up, lots of friends and a social life there. (so basically, I wouldn't be a stain on your couch). Late twenties, white, whateva the fuck eva ... I am only prejudiced against craigslist man-haters. Don't be shy.

Do you honestly think that the reason why you can't find a roommate is your lack of Vagina, Bob? Dick, I've got a sneaking suspicion that it has a little bit more to do with the fact that you post ads with the title "The Big Ol' Scrotum Blues."

As much as so many women want a roommate who COULD BE THAT HERO, and who say things like "my name is Johnny and I'm a boy," I have a feeling that you'd have an easier time finding housing on the psych ward at Bellevue than here on Craigslist.

Whateva the fuck eva.

Hi there. I'd like a daily studio or apartment short term rental, preferably for no more than 3 hours, around Noon, or after work-ish (630pm). Nothing over night, but if favorable, could be a once a weekday rental. If you're able to provide light snacks, I'd even pay you a tip. My range is a minimum of $20 to upwards of $70 depending on the location for 3 hours. If you can only rent me an hour, I'll give you $20. If you have a view of the park and can sell me 3 hours, you'll get $70. That should give you an idea. I know of other short term hotels were it's $50 and no hassle, so please be competitive.

Please detail how I can pay you, get the keys, and return the keys to you. Include your contact information or cell phone. I'm a working professional on the UWS, near 67th & Broadway, 31, white, 5'9", 160#.

My preferred location is the upper west side or mid-town but all Manhattan locations considered. Thank you for your consideration and discretion.

OK, I don't care HOW hard up you could possibly be, why the fuck would you rent your park view apartment by the hour to some random skeezy bastard who you found on the internet? $70 a day is sooo not worth having jizz stains from some stranger and his parade of hookers in your bed.

Call me crazy, but I'd rather get a second job at Path Mark if I REALLY needed an extra seventy bucks. I'm skeeved out just thinking about this.

$500 - looking for clean medium sized room/studio

I am searching for a medium to large sized room or studio to rent by May 1st. I am an arist/entrepreneur who also works a part time gig 2-3 nights per week. I have joint custody of my 2 yr. old son(Wed, Fri., Sat., & some Sun.)so the room/space/environment would need to accommodate kids. This is a difficult request but any and all good responses are greatly appreciated. my email is rondunlap2001@yahoo.com. Please, only serious responses. Thank you.

Wait. Let me get this straight. Within a few days you want to find a large room in an apartment with someone who won't mind if your crying toddler is there three or four days a week, or an entire STUDIO for a laughable $500 a month?! Where the hell do you think you are-Idaho?? New York in 1955??

Good luck. You're going to need a miracle. Or at least a bus ticket to Boise.

Anyway, thank Christ I don't need to worry about finding an apartment. The pickings are slim.

Now get me a beer bitch! (I love you).

 

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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.