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  WEEK IN CRAIG: EFF ALL YOU PANCAKE BEEYOTCHES.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

I'm about to say something crazy. I like Valentine's Day.

Granted, it's all a capitalist conspiracy, crafted by the evil hands of Hallmark, FTD, and blah, blah, blah. And yet, I'm a sucker for it. What can I say? Like most self-proclaimed assholes, I've got a secret sappy side.

Let me tell you a story.

When I was in junior high I had a boyfriend who lived in the next town over. Neither of us was old enough to drive, so our relationship mainly consisted of us talking on the phone every night, and occasionally meeting at the movie theater. He took me to see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III on our first date, and I was smitten. I was the luckiest thirteen-year old in the world, living out every girl's Sweet Valley High vision of ultimate teenage romance: I had the elusive older boyfriend from another town. It was a total score.

On Valentine's Day he had his uncle drive him to my house. Typically, awkwardly, (wonderfully) a fourteen-year old boy, he was too embarrassed to give me my valentine in person. Instead, he left the clumsy declaration of his affection in my mailbox-a chocolate rose wrapped in red foil and a card. When I found it, I ran to my room, my young and dumb heart pounding with a joy that I knew had to be nothing short of love. I was thirteen-make that Love, with a capital "L."

Hands down, this was my greatest Valentine's Day. Nothing's topped it-no gift, no date, no romantic gesture. Right or wrong, when I think of Valentine's Day, I think of fourteen-year old Eamonn, and that silly chocolate rose, and how I sat alone in my room for hours, reading and re-reading that short card, filled with joy and a flash of teenage certainty that I had everything figured out. That I knew everything there was to know about life and love.

So what can I say? V-Day brings out my sentimental side. Momentarily.

And then I look at craigslist, and the whole thing goes to shit.

I buy you valentines day candy, in return you suck my
cock - m4w - 34

NSA, nuff said?

See what I'm saying? Ah, craigslist. Thank you for reminding me of the true spirit of Valentine's Day. You buy me candy, I suck your cock. What a holiday. And yes, nuff said.

The sweetest word I know is "Love" - 35

The smallest word I know is "I". The sweetest word I
know is "Love". The only one I'll ever miss is "You" .
I Love You. Where are you "Valentine"?

Dear "Valentine,"

"I" "Love" "You" too. "I" am really happy that "You" "Love" me, because "I" really do "Love" "You" so much. "I" am so happy that "You" are my "Valentine."

"Love,"
Amy

Hey ya! [that was my little tribute to Outkast's very
popular song and even better 60's/70's retro themed
music video - have you seen it?]... Anyhoo, I'm
relatively new to NYC, and this being my first
Valentine's Day here thought I should perhaps give the
much touted CL a try in the hope of meeting a sweet
lady (around my age, ±4 yrs) for Valentine's Day -
hence this CL ad.

I know this is rather last minute, but if you would
rather not be alone this coming Fri/Sat/Sun evening,
do email me and I would be honored to have your
company over, say, a dinner-&-dance or similar. As the
lady, perhaps you should decide what we do in
celebration of St. Valentine...

Thanks for reading this posting. Here's looking
forward to hearing from you soon, and wishing you a
'Happy Valentine's!'

Hey ya, right back at ya! I have indeed seen that CRAZY retro themed music video by the acclaimed hip hop artists who "rap" together under the name Outkast! And boy oh boy is it cool! Your proposition for a dinner-&-dance sounds nifty to say the least! And, I think it's awfully chivalrous that you take into consideration the fact that I'm a lady and will allow me the opportunity to choose the restaurant for our celebration of St. Valentine! You sound like a true gent-something all too rare in this whacky day and age!

I would like to take this time to wish you a 'Happy Valentine's!' as well! And, if you like that really cool video by that Outkast band, I bet you might like the White Stripes as well! Have you heard of them? They also have some cool music videos!

I'm a sexy lady looking for someone to spend valentine's day with, it doesn't have to be serious. I just don't want to be alone this weekend. If you're hot and can hold a good conversation please do reply. Do not Reply if you're an uneducated, ugly, overweight, sex crazed man.

Um, sweetie? Wait, hold on. You're posting on craigslist and you don't want an uneducated, ugly, overweight, sex crazed man? Hee. That's cute.

What do you think-Brad Pitt's going to respond to your craigslist ad? Honey, reality check.

Ps. What's so bad about a sex crazed man?

Almost TOO hot for Craig's List...These 2 gals are Radiant! - 28

HOT, HOT , HOT!!!!!!
2 super cute, fun and easy going females seek 2 hot babes for a wonderous Valentine's day weekend. We both have Monday off, so we are open Saturday and/or Sunday...

send ideas, pics and we'll be sure to do the same...
come on now, don't you want to know what we have up our sleeves?

Continuing the theme -- Almost too hot for craigslist? Come on-no such thing. Craigslist is, like, totally the place where all the hotties go to find Valentine's Day dates. Didn't you get the memo?

Valentine's Day Massacres (many)

Valentine Day really sucks! I am remember being a fat unloved dorky kid, I would hand out dozens of Valentine's and never get one in return. So from a young age, I realized that giving love to others DOES NOT equate into getting love in return. So probably by age 10 I had no use for this useless holiday created by Madison Ave along with the florists and greeting card companies. Although now with the greedy women of this world, the jewelers have been brought into the loop! Jewelry is a MUST in order to show your love (roses aren't good enough anymore)

I remember Ms S---- who began dating me on Thanksgiving only to dump me the day after Valentine's Day. Eff her, at least she left the jewelry I bought her for Xmas on top of my piano.

My late wife and I had one of worse fights ever on V-Day. Of course if I knew that she was going to die 2 years later, I would have cut her some slack and not kept fighting, oh well, she's gone now

But my ex-wife was the biggest pain in the ass. She had to out so much effort into the effing thing, like she was planning a stinking wedding and Cafe Des Artistes wasn't good enough next year we had to go to Cafe Pierre and she planned that out months in advance, etc.

Upshot is I had to dump her a day later. I am very greatful that I won't have to see her morbid ass again this year. Eff her and eff VD Day!

eff all you pancake beeyotches!

This post, being one of the scarier things I've ever read, sends all of my sentimental Valentine's Day notions out the window (and some chills of fear down my spine for the poor woman who this man somehow suckers into a relationship sometime down the road). Freaks like this shouldn't be allowed to date. I am frightened. I am very, very frightened.

Anyway, I'm going to try to salvage the last scraps of my Valentine's Day soft spot, and wish all of you craigslisters foil-wrapped chocolate roses left in your mailboxes. Eh, fuck it, nevermind. Eff all you pancake beeyotches!

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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.