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  WEEK IN CRAIG: THE DIRTY SLUT ADVICE CLUB.  
   
   
 

MC with Time - 25

So I meet this fabulous guy who is goodlooking, smart, funny, and is actually looking for a long term relationship. Our first date, we go out have drinks and dinner. Our second date, we have dinner and see a movie. Both times he walked me home and we kissed at the entrance to my building before he left to go home. The third date, only a week after I meet him, we spend a glorious 9 hours together, going to the Guggenheim, having lunch, seeing live music. I go back to his place after such a long day together and there we make out like mad and it culminates in us having sex. I didnt want to do it. I actually wanted to wait as long as possible (at least 5 more dates or so) before sleeping with him. My best friend gave me this advise saying men respond to no contact, if you sleep with them too soon, they lose interest. And by holding out, it assures that they really want to be with you for you and not for sex. All the men who've fallen in love with her waited at least a month for sex.

HELP! Did I make a terrible mistake? Was this too soon? Should I have waited? But oh god, it just felt so good and seemed so right. I have always slept with my boyfriends too soon and the relationships (or non relationships, since some never reached that point) have always fizzled soon after. Why is dating so confusing?? He is asking me when he can see me again though...so I dont know.

Please, any guys out there want to emlighted an anguished girl in what goes through your male mind when it comes to dating and sex and timing?

 

First off, I would like to say, for the record, that premarital sex is the devil's work.

The Bible condemns not only adultery, but premarital sex, or fornication. The wisdom of our Christian tradition teaches us that only the complete commitment to one another that comes with marriage is the proper setting for sexual intimacy.

Being the staunch Christian conservative that I am, I felt sorely inadequate in my ability to respond to this young woman's plea for advice. What was a staunch Christian conservative like myself to do? I did the only thing that a morally vapid tramp-err, I mean a staunch Christian conservative could do…I asked a bunch of dirty sluts for help.

So this week I invited six of the most perverted, twisted, sexual deviants I know to offer up their advice to MC with Time. I can't say that I endorse the kind of preternatural behavior that these degenerates so blatantly encourage. However, I have a strong sense of duty when someone asks for help. MC with Time asks to be "emlighted," I'll give her emlightedment. That's just the kind of gal I am.

As for me, I'm taking the week off. You can find me in church, praying for your sad, wretched little souls.

Dirty Slut #1's Advice:

I'm not gonna sing any Pebbles at you, little missy -- this is not a case of "Girlfriend -- why did you let him treat you so bad?" Instead of applying the rules of dated pop music, let's look at this using the
rules of something called "logic." One cannot assume a correlation between you giving up your sweet punani and your relationships ending. There are a million other possibilities. Like, what if you're just
totally stanky?

Listen. Why don't you get a grip and take charge of your life? Why don't YOU fuck who you want to fuck when you want to fuck them? I can guarantee you that self-assurance and confidence is a lot sexier -- not to mention more fulfilling for you -- than whatever the hell this I'm-a-confused-girl bullshit routine you're working is. In closing: I'd just like to say that any girlfriend who tells you not to put out is a
boring girlfriend. She's probably no good at moral support on the way to the abortion clinic either.

--Choire Sicha gets around, if you know what I mean. He's also the editor of gawker.com.


Dirty Slut #2's Advice:

I once dated a girl for six weeks. We went out with friends, to dinner, to movies, to formal dances. Besides hand-holding, there was no romantic contact. One day, though, I kissed her, and the first word out of her mouth was, "Finally!" She had wanted me to move faster, but she didn't tell me. My natural respect for her chastity -- me being an admixture of the Southern gentleman and the sensitive, quiche-eating Yankee -- had overridden my ability to see into her heart and mind. Now, I don't tell everyone this but I have extrasensory perception. I know exactly what everyone around me is thinking. It's a heavy burden, because people are boring, and because most people say everything they think, I am bored twice. But it does mean I can know what women really want. It works best when I get in touch with my animal nature, when I wear tight jeans that cup my buttocks, when I let my whiskers grow, unfasten two or three buttons on my overshirt so that everyone can see where my hairy, manly chest is framed by my ribbed tank undershirt, and when I put on my leather jacket, motorcycle boots, and my "Wayne Feeds" billed cap. Then I slap on Hai Karate and my ESP arrives: I know women want me. I can feel it. Nothing else happened after I kissed the girl, and eventually we broke up. The last I heard, she had vaginal reconstruction surgery and was feeling a lot better about herself. In closing, anon-19047894, you had a good screw. Therefore, the timing was right. The end. Tell your friend to shut the fuck up.

--Grant Barrett is what you might call "a hooker." He edits World New York.


Dirty Slut #3's Advice:

The only thing you can count on is that the guy is probably going to lose interest sooner or later, no matter what you do. That aside, it sounds to me like your behavior is acceptable. You are adhering to the good girl rule of waiting for the third date before relinquishing your panties. He definitely won't mistake you for a little ho. Your only mistake is you may be behaving too predictably. Most likely he knew he wouldn't get any until the third date and you played right into his expectations. Boring. You're lucky he's calling you again - you must have been a real minx in the sack. The best way to peak his interest would have been to blow him during the movie on your second date or to have held off until he married you, like Jessica Simpson.

--Trevor Thompson is a freelance writer. He enjoys a slice of hair pie now and again.


Dirty Slut #4's Advice:

Well, honey, I started to work out some different equations based on my version of social norms. Charlotte from "Sex in the City" gave a tried-and-true equation for getting over a breakup -- "you have to wait half of the duration of the relationship" she said, flipping her bouncy hair. "And then you're over it." Well, shit. I had never thought about the pure joy of bringing simple mathematics into romantic entanglements! So I started working on some kind of when-to-spread-the-legs formula. I considered the amount of hours spent and activities enjoyed together, his mention of being interested in a long-term relationship, the fact that he *only* kissed you good night the first two dates, etc. So if you weigh that and also consider your age, economic status, carry the one, and associate the variable with the dangling participle.... Wait, I'm sorry. You're having incredible dates and now incredible sex with a man that's interested in you long-term? Christ, if you're going to sit on some Web site and freak out about it with the general Internet community, send him my way.

--Jennie Dorris publishes knotmag.com. She is sometimes referred to as "fast" and/or "loose."


Dirty Slut #5's Advice:

MC with Time, what advice are you looking for? To go back in time and sleep with him/not sleep with him? Because you can't do that, hon. You had sex in your bed and now you have to lie in it, for better or for worse.

So best case scenario, you had some great dates, you had sex, and he still likes you. Worse case scenario, you never hear from him again because you're right, this guy got bored with you for putting out. Even still, you walk away with some fun dates and some good sex.

The moral of the story? It's not whether you should or shouldn't sleep with the guy when and where and how. It's to stop being a girl. You slept with him and either things will go your way or they won't but it's done. Worry about your 401(k), your figure, your family, but quit dissecting something that you already did. Capisce? We have to bond together and as sisters start worrying about things that we are currently doing or will do, not what we already did, because it's too late for that. Oh, and for the future, go with your gut.

--Claire Zulkey is the proprietor of zulkey.com. And a ho!

 

Dirty Slut #6's Advice:

Here we have a typical example of the confusion women face when confronted with the ever-changing mores related to dating in the 21st century. Choosing when to have vaginal intercourse is an important decision in a burgeoning relationship. Move too quickly, and a man may think you're a nymphomaniacal slut; play too coy, and he may think you are a religious fanatic or just plain frigid. MC With Time's best friend is right, she should have kept her precious flower close for at least a month to prove her virtue. To keep his interest I would have suggested an alternate option -- perhaps some anal to tide him over?

--R A Miller wears the pants in his relationships. Unless he's wearing the panties. He's also the managing editor of Arriviste Press.


Now if that's not "sexpert" advice, I don't know what is. "Sexpert." God, sometimes I'm so clever it hurts. Amen!


 

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