By Matt Tobey and Claire Zulkey
Missed Connections
"Your love of playing "snappy-snappy" endeared me to you forever. And I knew our love was cemented when your forgave me for slamming the printer door on your left boob. Where are you these days?"
Against all odds, I was able to track this woman down for this fellow. So, where is she these days? Well, her bruised breast and love of "snappy-snappy" led her to the one place where a woman like her feels like she belongs: BDSM Office Porn. It's the latest craze. Get in now while the getting's good and before it goes all mainstream. After reuniting, the happy couple plans to co-produce and star together in Staple My Dick to Your Ass Vol. 8.
It's official, the Pee-Wee Herman on crack look is officially passé.
"You're not really Attractive
Someone posted this a while back regarding men saying they're attractive
and the getting emails of guys looking like Pee Wee Herman on crack. Stop
It!!!"
Seriously, this could be anybody. Who wasn't checking out the maple syrup?
"you were checking out the maple syrup display. which did you
end up buying?
i must say you were pretty stylin for dorset...
too bad about the salad tongs, though."
"Hey Donny.
You're frigging brilliant. You think you can blow out of New York wtihout
paying me the 15 grand you owe me? Maybe, instead of buying a closet full
of Armani's and a pound of coke, you should have bought a wireless modem.
Then you could be checking your personals on the road instead of having
to stop in to Alans to check your personals with all the college kids.
Yeah, I know where you are. By the way, when you're finished, check out
the two big guys at the door who look like they don't belong there. They're
going to want to speak to you, so I would cancel whatever you have planned
with that Candystriper you just met on "Casual Encounters."
Vaffanculo, smart guy. I'll be seeing you real soon."
Yeah Donny, you'd better keep your nose clean or you might wake up some morning with your PowerBook's severed monitor in your bed.
Casual Encounters
22 y.o. gay guy looking for first time with woman - m4w
"22 y.o. guy here looking to try sex with a woman. Never done it before, but I am curious. I am 5'8" 145 lbs. Goodlooking , irish descent. Please be discreet. Email back with description if you are interested."
I don't want to blow this guy's cover, but this is brilliant!
attractive guy will work for Blow Jobs$$$ - m4w
"give me a job, I am very handy any chore. If you could give me a BJ that would be payment enough."
Maybe if there were more people like this, Communism would actually work.
Looking for a STUPID girl - m4w
"You know what I want? I want someone who stares at me blankly while I discuss something important, someone who doesn't know who our vice-president is, someone who doesn't care who our vice-president is, someone who isn;t really into conversation, just into "having a good time." That's all I really want! Someone who doesn;t want to talk, just have fun. No more of these deep, intellectual women who think they know everything! They really piss me off."
Somebody get Lynne Cheney on the horn. I've got the perfect guy for her.
Even Saddam Hussein needs a casual encounter now and again:
"It's cold and nasty out, and there is a war on. Warm bed, great drinks and a hard fuck this afternoon to forget about it."
"Hello all who desire the rich life. I am a single man looking for a beautiful woman to take out tonight. The place can be determined when I decide who I will choose. The night will promise to be memorable and worth your time. The woman with the most to say and the sexiest picture will get immediate responses."
This one was just too darned intriguing, so I dolled myself up like a
lady and answered this guy's ad. He wined me and dined me and took me
to his chateau. It was incredible. Then, just when we'd fallen in love
and it seemed like nothing could ever go wrong, he revealed to me that
he was actually a lowly construction worker who makes $19,000 a year.
It didn't matter to me though, I still loved him, so I pulled off my wig
and revealed that I was a man. From the look on his face, I could tell
he had really only loved me for my gender.
"We can make it work," I said.
"But I'm straight," he replied.
"So am I. I'm married too. But I'm willing to look past our superficialities
if you are."
He wasn't.
are
you available today anytime between noon and 3
Some people call Chicago "The City That Works." There's barely
enough time to grab lunch, let alone get a good blow job. It's nice this
guy could fit one into his schedule.
"I just bought my first pack of condoms the other day, Durex.
They say, 'extra sensitive: super thin for more feeling'."
Extra sensitive and super thin. Sounds like our man Poindexter here. But hey, at least his friends think he's attractive.
And you thought that polygamy only occurred in Utah.
I
Am Wearing Women's Panties Today
"If you are nice, you may keep them as a souvenir."
"Nancy, why are your panties so stretched out in the crotch?"
Are
you a young White Female who is fed up with your parents constant nagging?
"Just simply introduce me a White Male to them as your fiancé."
The part most guaranteed to shock parents is that their white daughter is bringing a white male home.
And
when he's not surrounded by the ladies, he sells Mary Kay products.
"I worked out 3 times a week, ran 6.5 miles every other night rain or shine, flossed my teeth everyday, took a shower every chance I got, walked into a mist of Versace or Armani cologne while still damp from a shower, used a little bay rum or witch hazel after a close shave, ate only small portions of red meat, drank plenty of water and unsweetened ice tea, consumed black coffee, carefully matched my belt and shoes, took care of my clothes and shoes, changed my socks often, used Clinique face products for men, got plenty of sun, and most importantly - I was lean and intense."
So, like, what's your secret? I mean when it comes to being an asshole?
*BT*
Matt Tobey rocks the party at Haypenny. Claire Zulkey is the party at Zulkey. Lindsay Robertson is on vacation. She'll be back in two weeks.
