STU BYKOFSKY, THE PHILADELPHIA DAILY NEWS.
"I have to deal with too many assholes. Like yourself, for instance. Every freakin' goofball in Philly calls ME to ask what's Patti LaBelle's shoe size and what drugs did Pink take in high school and does Will Smith have a tattoo near his rectum?"

BILL BASTONE, THE SMOKING GUN.
"When it comes to covering the entertainment industry, I'd say most of those journalists couldn't report their way out of a paper bag. Too much finagling with publicists, talent managers and other members of the industry's permanent government over who's going to grant an interview/appear on a cover."

MICHAEL MUSTO, THE VILLAGE VOICE.
"Greg Louganis doesn't pop his gay cork for just anyone that swivels along (and kindly note my discretion in not using that ridiculous nickname, Greg Loose-anus). Steve [Kmetko] is tantalizingly hot and for many years put the EEEEAT ME! back in E!"

IAN SPIEGELMAN, PAGE SIX.
"[Dave] Eggers might very well have a larger package than I but he'd probably riff in a woman's ear about Duran Duran while he was mildly pumping away, and if that's your thing we shouldn't be together anyway. Wait, that's not right. He wouldn't utter a sound in bed, not one word. It would be cold clinical silence -- you could hear molecules colliding, icecaps melting. He'd hold his breath."

ELIZABETH SPIERS, GAWKER.
"Blogging took off in a way that plain vanilla personal websites never did because it's fairly standardized and short form and the social conventions encourage some sort of interactivity with other sites. I'm sorry. I really have to stop now before I bore myself into a complete stupor. I hate talking blogs. Most people that read it don't even realize Gawker is a blog. Do *you* really care what a blog is? No, I didn't think so."

JESSE PEARSON, VICE MAGAZINE.
"When you commit a horrible act, there are two things to deal with. The initial hell of committing the act, and then the emotional scars of remembering it. With [fucking the] dead baby, all you have after the act is the emotional scars. With [smashing your] ball [with a hammer] you have: The same hell during the act; the emotional scars of remembering said act AND you only have one ball. So I'd rather do the baby. It is literally half as bad as doing the ball thing."